Confessions of a Dangerous Mind

Comfort Me Not With Cookies

1. Part The First

Poor Faramir is abused from childhood onwards by his horrible father. He’s hit, caned, whipped, locked in closets and sent to bed without his supper. Denethor blames him for looking like his dead mother, since little Faramir has big blue eyes, auburn curls and that trembling lower lip just like Finduilas. Denethor is nuts, but no one notices, even when he starts writing “All work and no play makes Denethor a dull boy” on his proclamations.

Only Faramir’s illegitimate half-sister Serena truly understands the lonely, sensitive Faramir. Serena is the product of Denethor’s rape of a mysterious woman he had found lost in the mountains. The woman died in childbirth, never revealing her name. Serena is a hauntingly beautiful girl with golden eyes and raven hair and slightly pointed ears. Denethor keeps her around because her wonderful singing voice eases his fits of madness.

Serena and Boromir throw a big party for Faramir’s 20th birthday. Boromir makes a huge fuss over his little brother, embarrassing Denethor, who gave the kid a cheap grey cloak, the same gift he gives him every year. Boromir gave him a new wardrobe, free passes to his favorite brothel for a month, the deed to a beach cottage in Belfalas, and a kitten. In a fit of rage, jealous of Boromir’s love for Faramir, Denethor grabs the kitten and threatens to throw it from the walls. Tears well up in Faramir’s sapphire-blue eyes. Serena rescues the kitty while Boromir comforts Faramir. Denethor exiles Faramir to Henneth Annun and the company of a few hundred bored, chilled and horny men. So begins Faramir’s brilliant career as a Ranger.

Serena pleads with Denethor to recall his son to the City, and sings an aria from his favorite Numenorean opera. Denethor breaks down and tells her that Faramir is NOT his son at all! But he won’t tell her who fathered Faramir.

Serena mounts her fiery half-Mearas stallion that she trained herself, and brings the kitten and a large basket of cookies to Henneth Annun for Faramir and the Rangers. There, she tells Faramir that he is not Denethor’s son. Faramir cries. Anborn and Mablung fight each other for the privilege of comforting their young comrade, but Damrod sneaks around them to find and console Faramir. Faramir is so overcome with emotion that he needs further comfort from Damrod and the other Rangers in the years to come.

Switch to Aragorn and his best friend Prince Legolas, on the run from the Uruk-hai. Saruman wants to capture Legolas and make him his love slave. Aragorn and Legolas, huddling together in a tree, reminisce about Aragorn’s time in Minas Tirith. Aragorn reveals that Finduilas had sent him a desperate plea for help and he had met her in her secluded cottage on the Bay of Belfalas. Finduilas had been unhappy in her marriage - Denethor was insisting she wear black leather and she couldn’t cope. Much wine was drunk, and Aragorn, who Finduilas knew as “Thorongil”, woke up in bed with Finduilas. Faramir, supposed younger son of Denethor, was born nine months later. Aragorn has suffered in silence ever since, not wanting to upset the status quo in Gondor until he’s ready, not to mention tell Arwen that he cheated on her, and stayed away from his long-lost son.

Fifteen years pass. Faramir keeps trying to find out who his real father is. Thranduil comes west for a beachside vacation in the Bay of Belfalas, and stops by Minas Tirith with his entourage, to visit his favorite all-species brothel. Faramir runs into Thranduil at the brothel and they talk over drinks. It turns out that Thranduil was in town the year before Faramir was born. Faramir asks Thranduil if he could be his father. Thranduil is insulted, grabs Legolas and leaves. Faramir weeps, and Boromir comforts him. Legolas trips over Serena, who has come to find Faramir. Legolas looks into Serena’s eyes and is touched by her extraordinary beauty. He tells her she has elven blood. She is too lovestruck to say a word, and flees, overcome by the power of Legolas-passion.

Faramir has a nightmare about surfing a five-hundred-ft. tidal wave, orcs in Ithilien, and Denethor chasing him through a mausoleum with a torch in his hand. He wakes up crying. Damrod and Mablung comfort him. Thanks to Faramir’s dream, the Rangers ambush the orcs and defeat them. Unfortunately, Faramir didn’t dream about the Haradrim who were the orcs’ backup. The Haradrim take Faramir captive. Torture and other nastiness. The Haradrim are so busy fighting over who gets to ravish Faramir first that they don’t notice Boromir coming to the rescue with 1000 troops. Happy reunion. Boromir holds Faramir’s hand while bandaids are applied. Faramir weeps. Denethor is enraged at the amount of men that Boromir took to rescue Faramir, and makes Faramir do guard duty on the walls of Minas Tirith in the rain. Faramir gets sick and nearly dies of fever. Serena, who is an instinctively great Healer and trains with Ioreth in the Houses of Healing, comes up with a potion that saves Faramir’s life.

Fast-forward several years. Faramir has the “Sword-that-was-broken” dream, along with a nightmare featuring Denethor roasting marshmallows. Boromir has the same dream, minus Dad and marshmallows. Serena has the dream too, complete with a vision of Legolas in danger. Denethor sends Boromir off to get The Ring. Denethor humiliates Faramir in front of his men at Osgiliath. Faramir weeps and is comforted by Boromir before he leaves. Serena cuts off her hair and follows Boromir, disguised as a boy.

Boromir and Serena make it to Rivendell in time for the famous Council. Serena, still posing as a male and calling herself Seren, proves her worthiness to join the Fellowship by besting Legolas in an archery contest, and defeating Figwit with her trusty sword (Boromir taught her to fight). She also becomes Arwen’s best friend and they exchange recipes. Wackiness ensues, and the Fellowship departs with a Tenth Walker and her basket of lembas cookies.

This is a work of fan fiction, written because the author has an abiding love for the works of J R R Tolkien. The characters, settings, places, and languages used in this work are the property of the Tolkien Estate, Tolkien Enterprises, and possibly New Line Cinema, except for certain original characters who belong to the author of the said work. The author will not receive any money or other remuneration for presenting the work on this archive site. The work is the intellectual property of the author, is available solely for the enjoyment of Henneth Annûn Story Archive readers, and may not be copied or redistributed by any means without the explicit written consent of the author.


In Challenges

Story Information

Author: Raksha

Status: Beta

Completion: Complete

Rating: Adult

Last Updated: 08/21/04

Original Post: 08/20/04

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