1. Part 1
The Fellowship is five days out of Rivendell. Everyone is depressed and no one can get along. Pippin discovers Gandalf's stash of miruvor, and soon they are all drunk. Before they know it, they're telling each other their most sordid and shameful family secrets.
Gandalf tearfully reveals that he has always wandered because he feels lost, and likely will continue his wanderings until the end of time. After years of self-analysis, he believes that his feelings of not belonging anywhere come from not knowing who his parents are. Part of him longs to miraculously find them on his aimless wanderings, and another part of him hates them for abandoning him. His mixed feelings are driving him crazy.
Legolas's father has a strange fetish for interspecies love affairs, and has sired many illegitimate half-elves. The citizens of Mirkwood are repulsed by their depraved king, and Legolas endured ceaseless teasing as a child. To make matters worse, Thranduil doesn't love Legolas, his only legitimate child, because he finds full-blooded elves dreadfully dull. Legolas is in despair over his fruitless efforts to win his father's affection.
The Fellowship are all shocked to then learn that Gimli is half-elf. It seems his mother had an affair with some poncy Elvenking, resulting in Gimli, who is abhorred by his people. His non-dwarven blood, Gimli confesses, is the real reason Gloin didn't let him come on the Quest for the Lonely Mountain.
Of course, they soon figure out that Gimli and Legolas have the same father. Legolas is furious that one of his father's half-breed offspring could have been allowed to accompany the revered Ringbearer, and much name-calling ensues.
Aragorn manages to distract the combatants with his confession that he has been dating three women at the same time, and is worried that his girlfriends might find out about his unfaithfulness. That doesn't seem like much until he adds that he is only attracted to Arwen when he pretends she is his sister. Grossing the Fellowship out further, he admits that he's also been dating Galadriel, Arwen's grandmother, and a hobbit lass from Bree. He only started seeing the hobbit after Galadriel told him some dirty stories about Thranduil, and he just had to try the interspecies thing himself.
Boromir enrages Aragorn by claiming to be dating Arwen himself. It seems she kept him company the two months he was stuck in Rivendell, and consoled him when he worried about his brother plotting to usurp the Stewardship of Gondor.
"She never really liked you," he tells the furious Aragorn.
In no time the two of them are at each other's throats.
Frodo takes this opportunity to finally confess the lurid details of his passionate love affair with Pippin's mother nine months before Pippin was born. The real reason he never married is because he is only attracted to older, already married lasses, not because he likes to wander, as he has always claimed.
"Oh, by the way, Pippin, I'm your real father."
Sam tries to outdo all these confessions by admitting that his mother isn't really dead; she ran off with Sandyman, the miller, and joined a travelling circus.
So that's why he and the miller's son don't get along!
Merry blubbers his way through a sad tale of how his parents were always too busy to spend any time with him as a child, forcing him to amuse himself by studying herbs. While this hobby helped pass the time, he is now too nerdy to get a girlfriend.
And finally Pippin reveals that his sisters are all addicted to opium, and he is forced to work in a sweatshop to help pay off his parents' gambling debts.
By now the whole Fellowship is falling apart. The Quest seems doomed. Who can save our heroes?
This is a work of fan fiction, written because the author has an abiding love for the works of J R R Tolkien. The characters, settings, places, and languages used in this work are the property of the Tolkien Estate, Tolkien Enterprises, and possibly New Line Cinema, except for certain original characters who belong to the author of the said work. The author will not receive any money or other remuneration for presenting the work on this archive site. The work is the intellectual property of the author, is available solely for the enjoyment of Henneth Annûn Story Archive readers, and may not be copied or redistributed by any means without the explicit written consent of the author.