The Fellowship of the Mink
The year is TA 3018.
Middle Earth is entirely occupied by the minions of Sauron. Well, not entirely... One small City of indomitable Men still holds out against the invaders… and this is their story:
Once upon a time, there was a king whose name was Denthortorix (yes, you heard me right – King
, not Steward
). Unfortunately, in the spring of 3018, Denethortorix was suddenly struck by the falling sickness, which causes him to keel over in a dead faint whenever his less-favoured son Faramirtorix spoke to him – which was often, since Faramirtorix, Captain of the Ithilien Rangers, had the talking sickness (caused no doubt by 20 years of enforced silence whilst creeping about orc-infested woods), and just couldn’t stop bothering daddy 24 hours a day. The King’s handsome and much more favoured son, Boromirtorix the Beefcake summons the great wizard Gandalfotorix the Grey to cure the King, and the wise wizard opines that Denethortorix can only be cured by the power of the One Mink, (which is, if you didn’t already know), the skin of a very dead skunk cured by hands of Sauron in the Fires of Mount Doom way back in the First Age.
Gandalfotorix puts out a reward for (fool)hardy volunteers – being the hand of the lovely Prince of Mirkwood, Legomatix - to join the Quest of the Mink, and is immediately swarmed by foolhardy volunteers of all sizes, shapes, sexes and species. After a long and careful selection process, during which Faramirtorix is gagged, tied up and bundled back to Ithilien where his voice can’t be heard, Gandalfotorix chooses himself, Frodotorix (a young and adorably blue-eyed hobbit) and Samwisetorix his faithful dog as the Minkbearers (when they get hold of it, that is). Boromirtorix insists on coming with them, and the beautiful Legomatix, who has a secret crush on Samwisetorix, tags along too. So, starts the Quest of the Mink.
The Quest of the Mink was a long one, and suffice to say that the Fellowship went through much hardship, fire, water, death, pain, suffering, angst and unrequited love whilst battling the mindless minions of Sauron, including various orcs known to history as “Old Hairy Hands,” “Old Hairy Nose” and a Nazgûl by the name of “Old Hairy Wings.”
Whilst the Fellowship is traipsing about Middle Earth picking flowers, Faramirtorix escapes, and completely cheesed off by the years of ill treatment, abuse etc by his EQ-challenged father, throws down his arms at his father’s feet and yells, “I quit!” To which, Denthortorix exclaims, “He came, I saw, I conked out,” and promptly falls into a dead faint. Shocked by the results of his un-filial actions, Faramirtorix also falls into a dead faint; and thinking that they are both dead, Hurinotorix of the Keys chucks them on a funeral pyre and secretly plans to sell out to Sauron.
When Fellowship finally get to the Cracks of Doom they find that the Mink (which is hanging on a tree over a large thingy of boiling lava), is guarded by the Ear of Sauron, and they can’t get anywhere near it without being heard. Fortunately, Legomatix whips out his electric guitar and starts singing, and the Ear of Sauron (a devoted fan of Debussy’s Claire de Lune), being completely traumatised by the horrific sound of Legomatix’s voice immediately drops dead. The Fellowship, whom Gandalfotorix had thoughtfully provided with ear-muffs, rushes to get their hands on the One Mink, being suddenly overcome by Mink-madness. There is a fight on the brink and after a long, violent tug of war:
“Mine, my precioussss!”
“No, mine you beefhead!”
they all fall over the edge into the thingy of boiling lava, save for the faithful Samwisetorix who’s got the Mink safely in his teeth, and the lovely Legomatix who was so enchanted by the sound of his own voice that he missed everything.
They make their way back to the White City just in time to save Denethortorix and Faramirtorix from being roasted on the pyre. In a moment of desperation, Legomatix flaps the One Mink onto the fires, and it immediately goes out. [Author’s note: Gandalfotorix the Grey had forgotten to tell the Fellowship that the One Mink, aside from being a cure for the falling sickness, is also an excellent fire-retardant].
Denthortorix leaps up from the Pyre, restored to full health by the unspeakable odour of the Mink, and Faramirtorix wakes to find that he’s no longer the spare, but the Heir. Legomatix, having seen Denethortorix in full kingly mode, becomes completely besotted and abandons poor Samwisetorix, and Denethortorix is likewise smitten by the beauty of the Prince of Mirkwood. Samwisetorix, who’s utterly devastated by the faithless Legomatix’s desertion turns instead to Faramirtorix.
And so, evil being defeated forever, and the treacherous Hurinotorix having been punished appropriately (he’s locked in a high tower without any door, window or Keys), a great double-wedding – with Legomatix dressed in pale green and a lovely tiara of mithril - is held at the White City and everyone lives happily ever after.
This story is far from original, having incorporated elements from the Greek legend Jason and the Golden Fleece and the wonderful French comic series “Asterix” and of course LOTR.
This is a work of fan fiction, written because the author has an abiding love for the works of J R R Tolkien. The characters, settings, places, and languages used in this work are the property of the Tolkien Estate, Tolkien Enterprises, and possibly New Line Cinema, except for certain original characters who belong to the author of the said work. The author will not receive any money or other remuneration for presenting the work on this archive site. The work is the intellectual property of the author, is available solely for the enjoyment of Henneth Annûn Story Archive readers, and may not be copied or redistributed by any means without the explicit written consent of the author.