Henneth Annûn Story Archive

RING NOIR

I didn't like the place. You couldn't get a decent vodka martini in the entire town. It was hicksville, I tell you. But I had a job to do, and a guy like me, well, when I do a job I do a job.

I had just walked out on the guys for a smoke and a breath of air. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a guy in a long trenchcoat leaning against the dirty brick wall of a dark alley. He looked almost like Boris Meyer. Nah, I thought. Not in this part of town.

Then he saw me. "Evenin', Freddy," he said. It was old Bor, all right, and he had a look in his eye like a man who hasn't seen a martini since before the war. I almost felt bad. And then he pulled the heat on me.

"Now look here, Freddy," the goon said, "this is how it's gonna go down. You're gonna give me that ring, see, and I'm not gonna point this .38 right at your heart."

"I've got five bucks that says you won't pull that trigger."

"Good. I need that dough to buy bullets."*

CHALLENGE: Rewrite any any part of Tolkien canon as a classic film noir spoof/parody. Hint: use absurd similes and a first-person narrator. It helps. For typical dialogue, see these websites:
General Film Noir quotes
Double Indemnity quotes
And don't miss this excellent glossary!

All story lengths are acceptable, but single scenes are preferable and drabbles encouraged. (Reason being: writing like this too much can go to your head.)

This challenge ain't just hot, it's smoking! Why don't you quit cryin' and get me some bourbon?

- Waltraute (Who has been watching Humphrey Bogart too long and too late.)

PS. Now listen here. You're gonna get the run-down at these websites, see? And you're gonna like it!

Filmsite.org - Film Noir
RedInkworks list of film noir sites
Wikipedia article on film noir
Screenshots and posters

*That last bit's from… good god, I can't remember. Somebody help me here so I don't get sued!

 

OMG, I am NOT supposed to be doing any more challenges! I FORBADE myself to accept any more...but there's no way in the deepest pits of Mordor that I'm ignoring this one. I am SO in.

Maltese Falcon, Bogie to Peter Lorre after he slaps him: "You're gonna take it and like it!"

 

Hello Waltraute,

I'm Nienna, one of your friendly, neighborhood Challenges Assistants, and I'm here to watch as you snare unsuspecting victims.  

I don't know anything about Noir films, but it might help your victims...I mean...future pledgers, if you convert the website URL addresses into links.

Like for the first one, http://www.filmsite.org/doub.html, do [a href="http://www.filmsite.org/doub.html"]Name of Website[/a]

Replacing the [ ] with < >. So that link would come out like this:

Double Indemnity

~Nienna  

 

Oh gosh, this is great. Im in...how am I going to finish all these challenges Ive committed myself too? Oh dear...This is too good to pass up. Count me in...

~VG

 

THANK YOU NIENNA! I don't know why I didn't just click on the little tutorial before. Some of us are still on that metaphorical short bus, I guess...

-Waltraute

 

So, we've got three noir-writer wannabees. I'm sure there are at least two more out there!

Think about all the great movies you can spoof! Kiss Me Deadly, Maltese Falcon, The Third Man, Double Indemnity, Notorious, The Big Sleep.

Go noir...

Fergus

 

Hmmm... The Third Man... do you think Gondor had zithers?

-Traute

 

Hmmm... The Third Man... do you think Gondor had zithers?

And why not?  The Third Man is one of my favorite movies.

Three takers so far - any more entrants for (cue ominous music)  Ring Noir?

Fergus 

 

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