Discussing: Ch. 2 - Water
Ch. 2 - Water
Anglachel
Message: 21365
23 Feb 04 9:53 PM
Original Post
General Audience
Read-Only
Message: 21365
23 Feb 04 9:53 PM
Original Post
General Audience
Read-Only
In which a family trait is considered, a monster is revealed, and someone changes his mind. All from Finduilas's POV.
- Ang
Re: Ch. 2 - Water
The waves would reach up for her, slapping at her. Sometimes she would be knocked from the eagle’s grasp, sometimes her would simply let her go.
"sometimes he", not "sometimes her", am I right?
She coughed so hard at the sight she coughed up blood.
"coughed" twice in one sentence is probably warranted but you could probably substitute 'brought' for the second instance and lose the repetition without losing the meaning.
a pull upon her girdle like a child or a sword,
I love that image.
Oh, you refer to it as "the Stewards House" here too. Is that really how it's called? I just feel there should be a possessive in there or something. Huh.
Finduilas had been groped only once during the festivities and not so crudely that she could not ignore it
You forgot a period at the end of the sentence.
LOL, by the way. I liked that little insight into Gondorian culture. And the following paragraphs-- very interesting. "made a great deal of noise to cover what could not be said" indeed-- I like.
‘I think not I would call being plucked up by a great eagle salvation, Lady Lore,’ Finduilas countered,
"I think not that I would"?
"I think I would not"?
It strikes me as odd. Just flagging it for another look.
Denethor stared at her, then hoarsely said, ‘When? When did you dream this?’
‘A fortnight ago.’ Denethor looked towards Aiavalë, then rose.
‘I must speak with…’
‘Your sister has never spoken of such a place to me, nor of anything like it, nor even has she spoken to me of you, save only in courteous passing.’ She waited and he took again his seat on the wall. ‘I have dreamed true.’ He nodded.
Hmm...
How does Finduilas know that Denethor is going to accuse Aiavale of telling her about a secret place, when Aiavale has not done so?
That's kind of... weird, right there. A little confusing for the reader. How does she know what she doesn't know?
Alqualle gets mixed up with Aiavale in my head. I got it eventually. It's hard, when there are so many necessary OCs, and bizarre names of course...
