Henneth Annûn Story Archive

"There are older and fouler things than Orcs in the deep places." Gandalf may have been referring to Moria, but when I read this quote earlier today I immediately thought of the infamous "Limericks" thread and its sequel, which Lyllyn pointed me to last night. If you haven't read these, do yourself a favor and check them out. But make sure you allow several hours, because they're long and addictive. And set your beverage down -- your keyboard will thank you -- as these are hilarious. But as great as the originals in these threads are, they focused almost entirely on a pretty small group of characters. Since limericks tend to be dirty, they were mostly about the usual Tolkien lust objects. But there's great potential for word play among the minor characters. So what do you think? How about a minor character limerickfest? Write me Gwaihir. Write me Treebeard! And don't forget the women. I challenge someone to write an Ioreth limerick. I think we could allow major characters that aren't so obviously sexy, such as Saruman, Gimli, and Denethor. What we'd need to do is come up with a list of characters that are not allowed for this challenge. For example, the list might include: Boromir, Faramir, Éomer, Aragorn Legolas, Haldir, Elrohir, Elladan Frodo, Merry, Pippin, Sam Any limerick focusing on a character other than the ones listed would qualify for the challenge. My list is certainly negotiable. I just put down the major lust objects that occurred to me; I'm open to additions or deletions. Shall we let the bawdy madness begin? These are quick and fun, and very entertaining when different authors start answering each others' limericks. I think we are about to become very glad we can now mark our forum posts as mature. Marta

 

Oh, Eru... I wasn't around for the first limerickfest, but I sat down one day and began to read them. With a pop in hand. Three wet paper towels later, computer screen clean again, I read them. I couldn't stop laughing! Those two limerick threads, now long done, Discussing dimples, elfhoods, and buns, By Marta's been revived, List o' Lustees excised, Without them... what'll this contest become? Always, Allie

 

[Warning: This post is marked mature content, and with good reason...] ***** List o' Lustees excised, Without them... what'll this contest become? Oh, you'd be surprised what you can do. Just think of the potential in wizards' staffs. Or, if you have a mind like mine, you don't really need a lustee to be risque: "It's true what they say," Glóin mused, "Dwarf-women are often confused For men, that is so, But all Durin's sons know, In which cavern a shaft is best used." I think I shall slowly walk away now... Marta

 

Mahal's sons have garnered some fame: With their weapons they win great acclaim; Sword, spear, axe, and mace, (Defects? not a trace!), And above all: are known for fine "aim". Always, Allie

 

"Marta, 'twas really pernicious To throw at me nuzgul so vicious! I sat down to writing, But with canon is fighting The clamor of limericks salacious." Always, Allie

 

I can see this is going to be very dangerous. And addictive. When treebeard does indulge in delight, It is quite an incredible sight. His poor partner is raw, as if rubbed with a saw, For his bark is much worse than his bite. Lyllyn

 

I challenge someone to write an Ioreth limerick. You're on, Marta! "One day, still a Lossarnach lass, While gath'ring herbs in the valley en masse: I abandoned my list, For a tumbling tryst, After that: no more as 'lass' could I pass!" Always, Allie *figuring this is probably too light to label Mature, but erring on the side of caution anyway*

 

Removed, Apology below. buchs

 

, Buchs! That's what the red label saying "Mature Content" is for! Always, Allie [edit: Buchs, did you remove because of my post? If so, messages were crossed. I was laughing at it; I thought it was hysterical! And I meant that posts like these are the entire reason we have that red label. And you labeled it mature, so no problem.]

 

LOL! This is great stuff! Keep 'em coming everyone! cheers, nrink

 

Sorry everybody. I took down my limerick. I should have thought before putting something like that up in mixed company. I don't know if everybody is old enough to read something like that. Next time I want to post something, I'll sober up first. Buchs.

 

Well, it's weak, but it's a start - All praise to the staid farmer Maggot In his work he is steady, no braggart He plows and he plants, With grave continence, With five kids, none should call him a laggard. And Buchs, what do you mean it's removed with apologies? You can get as raunchy as you want with the "mature content" flag. In fact, I wish you would.

 

Sorry everybody. I took down my limerick. I should have thought before putting something like that up in mixed company. I don't know if everybody is old enough to read something like that. Next time I want to post something, I'll sober up first. Buchs. *disappointed* "A Well-Buttered She" is gone? Seriously, Buchs, have you read the original threads? A good number Most of 'em 90% They're all saucy, irreverent, and to put it baldly, dirty and raunchy. That is why there is a red label saying "Mature Content". That's a warning for readers who aren't of age. So go forth! Write more raunchy limericks, and watch as we all die laughing! Always, Allie

 

Upon joining the new HASA site, Too late I did realize my plight: Now plagued by nuzgul attacking (Whom my ankles are attracting) I fev'rishly type through the night. That one I wrote awhile back, when I was attacked plagued adopted by an ungodly amount of #$%&@* a large number of nuzgul in about two days. Always, Allie

 

Sorry everybody. I took down my limerick. Oh, no, Buchs! I'm happy that I had a chance to read it last night, but I came back to read it again when I was actually awake! You labelled it Mature Content. That is *all* that is required! Please put it back up! - Barbara

 

He plows and he plants, With grave continence, Three cheers for including the minor characters! I always liked Farmer Maggot, and now I know why! Maggot, braggart, laggard - LOL! You're such a bard! (Actually, 'countenance' would work here, too.) - Barbara

 

I just thought: those of us from the last bout of madness (I reread it last night - truely insane!) could cheat and use them here as well. My contributions: Fëanor: a spirit of fire Was wearing dubious attire. His wife she did flip And dropped her whip, As he to new heights did inspire. “Don’t forget the women,” said she, "And raunchiness and lust set free. No one shall stop you Whatever you do, For the Elves have fled ‘cross the sea." Master Elrond did miss his wife, For she had brought him new life. Now his mighty hand Helped him rule the land Without any sexual strife. “Oh! How how I do love you,” cried he As Arwen went down on one knee. She took him in hand: He came on the sand. “It’s just for the sex,” replied she. [Edited to add another] [Edit 2: and another] [Edit 3: and another] Now look what you've all done: corrupted my innocent little mind.

 

“Oh! How how I do love you,” cried he As Arwen went down on one knee. She took him in hand: He came on the sand. “It’s just for the sex,” replied she. Now look what you've all done: corrupted my innocent little mind. Of course we did... But I really like the results, especially that last one. Now that you've started down this road, I'll include the limerick Marta challenged me to write with "The Eagles are coming" in it. This is for Buchs, to show you how low we can go. If you have taste, stop reading now. "What is that ridiculous drip? That's sliming my sword and my grip?" "It descends from above, An aerial love, The Eagles are coming," said Pip! Lyllyn

 

All praise to the staid farmer Maggot In his work he is steady, no braggart He plows and he plants, With grave continence, With five kids, none should call him a laggard. Very apropos, Lyllyn. I'm sure you kept some of our purer-minded members guessing until the last time. (Me, on the other hand...) Marta

 

"What is that ridiculous drip? That's sliming my sword and my grip?" "It descends from above, An aerial love, The Eagles are coming," said Pip! If Tolkien were alive he'd soon wish he wasn't!

 

If Tolkien were alive he'd soon wish he wasn't! Always, Allie

 

Hooked on PJ's trilogy films, Certain parts of me blazing like kilns, Now forbidden to write Verse with "Rings" boys in sight, But hey: there's always the Silm! Always, Allie *contemplating lust object loophole*

 

Okay, I couldn't resist so here goes! The Gaffer while grasping his hoe did tug and did pull like a pro to task he did bend his passion to tend and managed a well seeded row. Cheers! Vistula

 

Now forbidden to write Verse with "Rings" boys in sight, But hey: there's always the Silm! No problem with me! I'd love to see someone tackle fiery Feanor and the family jewels. (Note: Tackle figuratively... down, Arandil...) Marta

 

Cute, Vistula! I'm so happy to see people writing hobbit limericks, I hoped we'd get some of that. Marta

 

"The Eagles are coming," said Pip! *snork* I love it, Lyllyn. Excellent use of that line (and I'm, um, "honoured" to have served as the inspiration). Marta

 

No problem with me! I'd love to see someone tackle fiery Feanor and the family jewels. (Note: Tackle figuratively... down, Arandil...) They'd fought fierce over smithy ground rules, And argued over whose works were whose. Now after their wedding, Preparing for bedding, Says he: "Now I'll show you my best jewels." Always, Allie

 

"What is that ridiculous drip? That's sliming my sword and my grip?" "It descends from above, An aerial love, The Eagles are coming," said Pip! This thread needs another warning - don't read in company! I nearly did myself an injury trying not to laugh hysterically - my daughter is doing her homework just behind me. I've very recently used that line myself in a story - it'll never be the same again! Jay

 

At night he remembered and dreamed Of passion and pleasure, it seemed. Consumed with desire With flame and with fire, "A Balrog is coming!" he screamed. Jay (I couldn't get the line about the Eagles out of my dirty little mind)

 

"What is that ridiculous drip? That's sliming my sword and my grip?" "It descends from above, An aerial love, The Eagles are coming," said Pip! I will never look at that line in the same way. Ever. Always, Allie

 

At night he remembered and dreamed Of passion and pleasure, it seemed. Consumed with desire With flame and with fire, "A Balrog is coming!" he screamed. (I couldn't get the line about the Eagles out of my dirty little mind) Welcome to the club. Needless to say, Iike it, even if does conjure of disturbing images of the speaker - "Legolas, is that you?" I'd like to post a limerick I found, that explains our problem: The limerick is furtive and mean; You must keep her in close quarantine, Or she sneaks to the slums And promptly becomes Disorderly, drunk and obscene. —Morris Bishop Lyllyn

 

"Obscene"? Our innocent little limericks? Why, never.... Always, Allie

 

"Oh Elrond, my lovely, come here And I'll show you something to fear," Gil-galad was proud And boasted out loud, Then unveiled his powerful spear. Jay *sigh* Where do these come from?

 

*sigh* Where do these come from? There are fouler things than canon errors in the deep places of our minds. Always, Allie PS- At first, I wanted to put "There are fouler things than Mary Sues in the deep places of our minds," but thought better of it. These limericks are better than Mary Sues.

 

Cute, Vistula! I'm so happy to see people writing hobbit limericks, I hoped we'd get some of that. Well, Marta, hobbits are my weakness and my poison! How could I not?! Cheers, Vistula

 

There was an inn-keeper in Bree, Who built rooms for his debauchery, Now when Hobbits come (Feeling adventuresome) They all spend the night at the ‘Pony. ;), Elemmíre

 

Oh, dear, I'm afraid that I'm bitten. (Or is that smitten?) - Barbara There was an auteur filmical whose works were quite satyrical: could not film enough of Elves in the buff -- shunning all props sartorical!

 

Elves in the buff (Oh, how grand... Perhaps rolling around in the sand--) Shout my muses: "Stop, yuck! Quit now this shameful stuff: Or canon will forever be banned!" Always, Allie

 

Elves in the buff (Oh, how grand... Perhaps rolling around in the sand--) Shout my muses: "Stop, yuck! Quit now this shameful stuff: Or canon will forever be banned!" *Very big grin* - Barbara

 

Apparently, my mind moved from the lofty places to the gutter some time ago. Always, Allie

 

Apparently, my mind moved from the lofty places to the gutter some time ago. Clearly so. For Marta, may it make her laugh: Said Bilbo “I’m not a liar! Your magnificence I do admire!” “If that’s so,” said the dragon “I’ll set your tongue waggin’ and singing ‘Hey, great balls of fire!’”

 

Oh hell. My mind has dropped to the basement of the gutter. I never realized how many implications could be contained in a limerick. The creativity of the writers is amazing. Compared to a haiku, the imagination soars. RiverOtter

 

My apologies - in advance! Cheers, Vistula (who is almost ashamed...almost *BSG*) ~~~~ Gollum that nasty old thing His Master’s sure favor to bring, Did pet and did paw While fawning in awe, “Precious lets us finger your Ring.” Ewwwwwwwwwwww

 

Vistula wrote: Gollum that nasty old thing His Master’s sure favor to bring, Did pet and did paw While fawning in awe, “Precious lets us finger your Ring.” *snort* That was wonderful! Lovely work. Jay

 

Always, Allie

 

*snort* That was wonderful! Lovely work. Thanks Jay....I think Vistula

 

As Marta just reminded me, there needs to be a challenge for this (since members have so enthusiastically responded)... so I have gone and done so! The challenge is called Limerickfest!, and Limericks: Book 2 is the corresponding hawriters story. Keep writing those limericks! Always, Allie edit: Please don't create individual stories for one limerick! All limericks in this thread will go into the new hawriters story that is linked above!

 

Una posted this set of limericks onlist, and gave me permission to repost it here. Always, Allie We praise you, O Ghân-buri-Ghân! You squat, hairy, strange little man! You don't look the part, but - Thanks to your sly shortcut - You're the toast of the whole Druadan. "The old forest road," Ghân proposes, (Made by Gondor is what he supposes). The Rohirrim rally, For the Stonewain Valley, Is stuffed to the gunwales with Woses. Do you now see the moral? (You should.) It's all very well to be Good, But to get there in time Past the gorgûn front line - Don't rile the Wild Men of the Wood.

 

All right, folks! I closed this challenge, and much to my dismay, not a single limerick was in the story! Please e-mail Challenges to get the hawriters password, and post your limericks to Limericks: Book 2. Please? Allie [edit: and realized I was being hypocritical because I hadn't posted any either. I've done so now. Arrange them however you see fit: I've tried to group some together, but many are one-shots and can just have their own chapter. I'll give the story a look-over in a week or so, and then make the challenge public.]

 

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