15 Apr 03 2:24 AM
At least I resisted the urge to use the word submarine – it was not an easy fight. And who can spot the place where I did not give in to the lines :
And Tarranon had to do something, and fast,
before someone invented the gun
Even my beta has not seen this yet .
I think I spent as much time trying to find out if someone had already done this as I did writing it. Once I had the idea, it just seemed too obvious.
Is there any future for this, or shall we all have a good laugh and move on?
If we decide to go forward, should there be an addition after the white cat section where Tarranon actually gets mad, or is this quite overblown enough?
When it comes out of beta, I want to call it beautiful pea-green boat but I wanted to attract a little input before I decide where I am going.
Thanks, as always. You guys rock!
15 Apr 03 11:57 AM
Reply To: 7580
First I thought it was fine where it ended, then I thought perhaps, you could add another verse about Tarranon, but now I think again, the way you repeated the first stanza it ends just fine.
Not much help, I know but just thought I'd tell you it's really nice. I also like the rhyming sequence in parts, reminds me of Robert Frost.
More Beruthiel mosters sound very good. I look forward to reading them!
16 Apr 03 1:16 AM
Reply To: 7605
My husband thinks I should add yet another reference to the little bit of Beruthiel text we have by indicating that there may once have been a Tarranon verse, but that it is now illegible,,,
My beta decided she likes it as it is, so I think I will let it sit for a few days and hope to let my head clear.
16 Apr 03 10:56 AM
Reply To: 7636
I liked how you chose the first stanza to end the poem, for it is a perfect conclusion. I love it... to tell the truth, I've not been able to get it out of my head... it's like music!
One little thing; it's not much, really. I think I would add punctuation at the end of some of the lines, only to make the reading-aloud clearer. For instance:
"When he wanted to set her afloat (.)
Flying past Umbar her vessel was seen"
"At daybreak or evening or noon(;)
And Tarannon thought, in a satisfied way"
Just so it is easier to read. I mean, one pauses naturally on those places, but since it is for kids, perhaps it would make things a bit easier... Well, it's me rambling again. Thanks very much for writing this, Tay. It's just delightful!
16 Apr 03 10:24 PM
Reply To: 7672
I don’t know what made me think of the Edward Lear poem about the Owl and The Pussycat in this context, but once I had it, the little bugger would not let go. And for someone who could not abide colors of any kind, the selection of the pea-green boat just gave me an extra kick.
I was happy with how many phrases I was able to use directly out of the Beruthiel story.
I had a picture in my head of kids using it for whatever the equivalent of hand-slapping or jump-rope games might be. I think it is really very dark - as many children’s rhymes are. I am really happy with
And all that they noticed and all that they heard
The lies of a lover, an unguarded word
They studied and twisted, surmised and inferred
And into the ear of the Queen they were purred
I don’t think I have ever in my life gotten through a poem without taking out and putting in all the punctuation. Sometimes over and over! When I first wrote for Denethor’s voice, I nearly semicoloned him to death – then I just pulled them out and hid my face in my hands. Perhaps I will give my brain over to Emily Dickinson and develop a mad crush on the dash. I just love Dickinson, but I tend to emulate her more in my prose, somehow. Chris is always removing dashes and line breaks when she Beta’s for me. I just panic when I wonder if I am changing the rhythm of the line – then I obsess over meaning, and over do it! I will try your suggestions, and perhaps you can tell me if it seems better….
I have the same indecisiveness about Capitals at the start of... every line? Some Lines? never? Aaaargh.
I have a few comments about writing the triolets, but I think I will stick them in the Green-eyed monster folder above.