Forum: Elena Tiriel - Star Gazings

Discussing: Triumph Incarnate - Drabble Accepted to HASA!

Triumph Incarnate - Drabble Accepted to HASA!

Hi! I am very pleased to learn that my drabble, Triumph Incarnate (link opens in a new window at Stories of Arda for now), has been accepted. Thank you to everyone who reviewed! I'd like to discuss it in the next message, so I'll post a copy here: Triumph Incarnate Armenelos the golden? Nay! By My hand, armenelos the blackened! I bade them burn the white tree. Reluctantly, they obeyed. The acrid smoke shrouds the nimbus-wracked sky, split asunder by lightning. I bade them betray their kindred, despoil, violate, sacrifice; willingly, they complied. The foolish faithful shriek and wail... the charred charnel-stench arouses My passion. I bade them breach the ban of the valar and, pridefully, their king voyaged westward. The menacing wavecrest looms. My goal's at hand: to exterminate these paltry vermin who sought to subjugate Me! Satisfied, I mount the ebon throne in My impenetrable Temple. And laugh. *** "And Sauron, sitting in his black seat in the midst of the Temple, had laughed when he heard the trumpets of Ar-Pharazôn sounding for battle; and again he had laughed when he heard the thunder of the storm; and a third time, even as he laughed at his own thought, thinking what he would do now in the world, being rid of the Edain for ever, he was taken in the midst of his mirth, and his seat and his temple fell into the abyss. But Sauron was not of mortal flesh, and though he was robbed now of that shape in which he had wrought so great an evil ... yet his spirit arose out of the deep ... and came back to Middle-earth...." The Silmarillion, Akallabêth

 

 

Re: Triumph Incarnate - Drabble Accepted to HASA!

Hi everyone! First, to everyone who reviewed my drabble, Triumph Incarnate, a big thank you! I was very pleased that it was accepted to the HASA archive, but even more so by all the thoughtful and perceptive comments. Some of your comments, both positive and negative alike, were longer than the drabble! I really appreciate the time and thought you put into them. There were a few comments that I would like to address: To all of you who used words like "powerful portrayal", "shivers", "dark emotion", and "Bwa-hah-hah!", all I can say is "Thank you so much!" I really struggled with Sauron's voice, but he wouldn't speak to me for three long days... until finally I curled my lip and sneered. Literally! To the reviewer who said that a single misused word in a 100-word drabble is grounds to decline, I agree wholeheartedly! To the person who declined on the grounds of an implausible situation: I would like to discuss this with you so I can understand you better, if you happen to see this discussion. The drabble was supposed to be about Sauron's triumph minutes and even seconds before the wave hit. The Silmarillion quote says that he "was taken in the midst of his mirth", so I don't think he expected to be injured, being a Maia; he probably didn't expect Númenor to sink completely. If his triumph had been undone before the wave hit, he wouldn't have been laughing when it did. Misspellings? ebon vs ebony: Satisfied, I mount the ebon throne in My impenetrable Temple. Thanks for asking! Yes, "ebon" is an alternative spelling of "ebony" according to my dictionary; I looked it up before using it to make sure. (I thought it sounded slightly more dramatic in this context -- and you know what a drama queen Sauron is.) goal's vs goals My goal's at hand: to exterminate these paltry vermin who sought to subjugate Me! Actually, "goals" would be an error here. In this sentence, "goal's" is a contraction of "goal is": My goal is at hand.... (I tried to tell Sauron that he's not allowed to use contractions, but his Eye got all huffy and incandescent on me... he can get scary at times...) Capitalization? Several of you commented on the inconsistent capitalization, where I did not capitalize most proper nouns. This was, indeed, deliberate. Linaewen explained my rationale so beautifully that I will quote her review (with her permission). Not sure if you did this on purpose, but the fact that references to armenelos, white tree, valar, etc. are not capitalized while only references to Sauron are capitalized is very fitting and gives the drabble even more power -- even in his thoughts, Sauron is relegating his enemies to smallness, considering them inconsequential. Thank you, Linaewen! My inspiration for that technique was an e.e. cummings poem, I sing of Olaf glad and big, where he capitalized only the names of good people, and used punctuation only to mark bad behaviors, things, or people. Since some reviewers took these for errors, I will add a note to the story summary to the effect that Sauron only capitalizes nouns that He considers important. Edit: I added this to the story summary: Note from Sauron: I only condescend to capitalize those names that I consider worthy of My regard. Thank you all for making this such a pleasant experience, not just because the drabble was accepted, but because the feedback was so thoughtful and constructive. - Barbara

 

 

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