Forum: Elena Tiriel - Star Gazings

Discussing: Claws

Claws

Hi Barbara

Ooh, you wrote it! Very neat concept. We likess it, preciousss, yess we doess.

Umm, as always, I have quibbles if you want them....

Cheers, Liz

 

 

Re: Claws

Hi Liz!

Thank you! Another one of my "channeling dark creatures" ideas, only this time "dark" in a more literal sense...

I'd be pleased to hear any feedback you have! Thanks!

- Barbara

 

 

Re: Claws

Hi Barbara

As I said before, I love the concepts in this drabble. It has such black humour - dark in every sense of the word. I think you've captured the sneaky, acquisitive corvine mind very well here, and Smaug is suitably nasty.

So here are the quibbles.... The major issue I have is that you have a change of POV in the middle of this that I struggled with. I'm afraid I had to read it three times before I understood that. May I suggest you put some kind of break marker (three asterisks, perhaps) after I soar toward the beckoning blue sky....?

I peer about, ensuring the Great Fire-beast's absence, and dive furtively deep into the Mountain.

It's a really silly point, but the partricular length of the line and the way it "wraps" means I'm seeing it display with two blank lines after it, rather than the one that's actually typed in there. So it looks like you intended some kind of break after this line, which completely throws me off (especially as there's no break later before the POV change). At a pinch, may I suggest ...absence, before diving furtively...

The tremendous heap of shiny treasures flutters my corvine heart!

I'm not convinced by tremendous. I'm not exactly sure why, but it doesn't feel "corvine" to me. I also find the notion of the heap fluttering the crow's heart somewhat odd and "backwards". I think this might work better the other way round: My corvine heart flutters at the heap of shiny treasures. I've also suggested saving a word later, which may allow you to put back an adjective describing the heap.

Grasping a sparkling water-gem of bearable size, I flap rapidly, regaining speed.

Perhaps because I didn't get the switch of POV at first, I didn't connect water-gem = adamant (diamond) later on. I think if the POV switch is made clearer, this may no longer be an issue.

Only my best-concealed hidey-hole on Ravenhill will suffice for such a magnificent trophy!

I soar toward the beckoning blue sky....


Wonderful lines.

Smaug awkwardly clasps his sooty adamant with clumsy talons, and takes wing gently to reenter his dungeon-hall.

I think you repeat yourself with awkwardly and clumsy It might be better with just one. My preference would be to drop awkwardly. Also, I think the sooty adamant rather than his sooty adamant might work better, although I can see you maybe wanted to get over Smaug's possessiveness.

From experience, he knows that once he lays the jewel on his bed and rests atop it, his crushing weight will crumble the attached crispy-seared crow-claw.

I'm tripping up over lays, since I had an incorrect urge to change it to lies until I re-read the sentence more carefully... Maybe he returns the jewel to his bed or he restores the jewel to his bed?

Also, I think attached crispy-seared crow-claw. is a little too unsubtle, bathetic and breaks the mood. I'd like to see the reader work harder to get the "punchline" and Smaug seem more indifferent to the fate of the crow. Maybe the clinging seared claw or the clinging blackened bones? (Not very happy with either of those, though.)

I think that's it! I really do like the two different voices you've captured here: they're very in character. And, overall, the drabble is deliciously creepy and grim and lots of fun.

HTH

Cheers, Liz

 

 

Re: Claws

Hi Liz!

As I said before, I love the concepts in this drabble. It has such black humour - dark in every sense of the word. I think you've captured the sneaky, acquisitive corvine mind very well here, and Smaug is suitably nasty.

Thank you so much! *beams*

The major issue I have is that you have a change of POV in the middle of this that I struggled with. I'm afraid I had to read it three times before I understood that. May I suggest you put some kind of break marker

Yes, after re-reading the drabble this morning, I had the same problem... well, I did last night, too, but was too punchy to deal with it.... Anyway, I added a separator as you suggested.

At a pinch, may I suggest ...absence, before diving furtively...

Sure!

I'm not convinced by tremendous.

How about huge heap? It even alliterates...

I also find the notion of the heap fluttering the crow's heart somewhat odd and "backwards". I think this might work better the other way round: My corvine heart flutters at the heap of shiny treasures.

Oh, I like that better! Thank you....

Perhaps because I didn't get the switch of POV at first, I didn't connect water-gem = adamant (diamond) later on. I think if the POV switch is made clearer, this may no longer be an issue.

Yes, I'm glad that you confirmed in IM that "water-gem"' works after the POV change is clarified....

I think you repeat yourself with awkwardly and clumsy It might be better with just one. My preference would be to drop awkwardly.

Done!

Also, I think the sooty adamant rather than his sooty adamant might work better, although I can see you maybe wanted to get over Smaug's possessiveness.

I've changed it... but want to sleep on it before I decide whether to keep that change.

I'm tripping up over lays, since I had an incorrect urge to change it to lies until I re-read the sentence more carefully...



Maybe he returns the jewel to his bed or he restores the jewel to his bed?

Oh, I like it! I used restores, which happens to alliterate nicely with rests...

Also, I think attached crispy-seared crow-claw. is a little too unsubtle, bathetic and breaks the mood.

Would you like fries with that?

I'd like to see the reader work harder to get the "punchline" and Smaug seem more indifferent to the fate of the crow. Maybe the clinging seared claw or the clinging blackened bones? (Not very happy with either of those, though.)

I agree, and I'm pleased with what we worked out on IM: He knows -- from experience -- that once he restores the jewel to his bed and rests atop it, his crushing weight will crumble the clinging seared claw.

I really do like the two different voices you've captured here: they're very in character. And, overall, the drabble is deliciously creepy and grim and lots of fun.

Thanks, Liz! Deliciously creepy and grim and lots of fun is just exactly what I was aiming for....

- Barbara

 

 

Re: Claws

Hi Barbara

Ah, I like the new version very much indeed. (Well, of course I would... you took most of my suggestions. ) Bravo!

Cheers, Liz

 

 

Re: Claws

Ah, I like the new version very much indeed. (Well, of course I would... you took most of my suggestions. ) Bravo!

Thank you so much, Liz! I appreciate all the fine suggestions... they made a difference!

- Barbara

 

 

In Forums

Discussion Info

Intended for: General Audience

This forum is open to all HASA members. It is read-only for the general public.

Membership on HASA is free and it takes only a few minutes to join. If you would like to participate, please click here.

If you are already a member, please log in to participate.

« Back to Elena Tiriel - Star Gazings