1. Boromir: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
*** CONGRATULATIONS! ***
You are now the proud owner of a BOROMIR! In order to obtain top performance from your Man of Gondor, please follow the procedures detailed in this manual.
Type: Human (male)
Manufacturers: Denethor and Finduilas, (Stewards‘R’Us Ltd.), Minas Tirith
Date of Manufacture: Year 2978 of the Third Age
Height: 5 feet 11 inches
Weight: 180 lbs
Length: 12 inches (Note: This measurement is in reference to the ‘Horn of Boromir’.)
Power Output: Awesome
Your BOROMIR comes equipped with a host of travel-stained accessories, including a sword, shield, fur-lined cloak and, of course, a huge horn.
*** CAUTION *** It is not uncommon for the BOROMIR model to attempt to filch accessories from other units, particularly anything in the way of jewellery. This is not to be encouraged, even if your BOROMIR claims that the item in question is a gift, a gift to the foes of Mordor.
Not only is your BOROMIR a fine example of stalwart Gondorian masculinity, he can also be utilised successfully in several capacities:
Used in conjunction with the ARAGORN model, your BOROMIR can clear a path through even the deepest snowdrift. Note: If these two models become discouraged, send a Mk I LEGOLAS to act as navigator.
Your BOROMIR’s burly physique means that he is admirably suited to carrying children, either on his back or one under each arm. During deep snowfall, your BOROMIR will ensure that your kids get out and about. Ignore your BOROMIR’s complaint that the cold will be the death of them.
Your BOROMIR has been programmed to instruct your children in the art of swordplay. Do not worry if they trick him into lowering his guard and wrestle him playfully to the ground – your BOROMIR has been trained to keep his good-humour and suppress his natural warrior’s urge to beat them to a bloody pulp.
Your BOROMIR’s fondness for carrying his large, circular shield everywhere makes him well suited to serving at the dinner table. With practice, your BOROMIR will be able to carry three plates of lobster thermidore with his shield balanced on one hand.
Those owners who already have an ARAGORN model may be labouring under the misapprehension that it is impossible to maintain a Man in a decent state of cleanliness. (Female owners who have been married for more than a fortnight may also have come to the same conclusion.) However, your BOROMIR can be kept in a hygienic condition if you follow this grooming regime on a daily basis:
* Trim beard.
* Comb hair.
* Clean nails.
* Change tunic/shirt/leggings/cloak.
* Shower whole BOROMIR unit.
*** CAUTION *** You may find that your BOROMIR is ignorant of the workings of such a technologically advanced utility as an electric shower. In this circumstance it may be necessary for you to accompany him into the shower, thereby enabling you to show him which knob to turn. While you are in the shower with your BOROMIR, you are advised to check that he is applying body-wash to all parts evenly. Redistribution of lather may be required, possibly on a repeated basis.
On completion of the showing procedure, dry your BOROMIR by rubbing him briskly with a towel. Do not tumble dry. Do not hang him on the washing line, unless you want your neighbours to gossip.
To maintain your BOROMIR in pristine condition, apply oil to the major muscle groups in the following order:
(1) Quadriceps femoris
(3) Gluteus maximus
(6) Pectoralis major
(7) Gluteus maximus
(10) Gluteus maximus.
Do not expose your BOROMIR to fire, strong magnetic fields, electricity, excessive humidity or staggeringly evil Rings of Power.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Q: When I first undressed my BOROMIR (in search of his serial number, obviously), I noticed some very nasty scars on his leanly muscled torso. Is this normal?
A: Every BOROMIR is, by necessity, a refurbished model. The arrow wounds on your BOROMIR’s chest are, regrettably, permanent. If you wish, you may try to kiss them better, in which case your BOROMIR may offer to show you the rest of his battle-scar collection.
*** CAUTION *** Married female owners must ensure that their spouses are otherwise engaged in gardening/car maintenance/crocodile taming etc. before carrying out this procedure.
Q: I have told my BOROMIR that I am taking him with me when I go on holiday to the Highlands of Scotland. He insists on us taking huge chunks of wood to burn in case we get stuck in our attempt to climb Ben Nevis. What should I do?
A: This is perfectly normal behaviour for a well-travelled model such as the BOROMIR. Reassure your BOROMIR that Ben Nevis is 2000 feet lower than Caradhras and that it is, after all, the middle of August! If he continues to fret, humour him by packing some barbeque charcoal and a packet of firelighters.
Q: Is it safe for my BOROMIR to go white-water rafting?
A: Yes, absolutely! BOROMIRs have an uncanny knack of staying in boats, even after they have been cast adrift over huge waterfalls.
Q: My BOROMIR and ARAGORN units are antagonistic towards one another. Is this a case of hardware incompatibility?
A: As with the LEGOLAS and GIMLI units, the default interaction setting for the BOROMIR and ARAGORN models is ‘Barely Veiled Hostility’. This means that your BOROMIR and ARAGORN units begin their working lives in a state of enmity. The explanation for this is that their career plans are mutually incompatible. However the time-keeping mechanism within these models is arranged such that the dynamic between the two models alters after a few weeks. (This is called the ‘Friendly Chat In Lothlorien’ stage). After a longer period, you may find that the interaction between ‘Da Gondor Boyz’ becomes positively affectionate. (This phase is known as the ‘I Would Have Followed You, My Brother, My Captain, My King’ period.)
Problem: Before every journey your BOROMIR insists on sounding the Horn of Gondor. The neighbours are complaining. You have asked him to stop, explaining patiently that such actions are necessary only when dire need is on you, but he insists that he will not go forth as a thief in the night.
Solution: It is almost impossible to override your BOROMIR’s programming in this respect. The best thing to do is to hide the war-horn and give your BOROMIR one of those paper squeakers that you get in Christmas crackers. This will enable him to fulfil his urge to blow something before setting forth without prompting letters from the Noise Abatement Society.
Problem: Your BOROMIR makes disparaging comments during the Queen's Christmas Speech.
Solution: BOROMIRs are notoriously hostile towards the monarchy and tend to go around muttering, “Britain has no king. Britain needs no king”. Distract your BOROMIR by offering to polish his horn. (You may find that your Boromir will gradually warm towards royalty over a period of time, but don't hold your breath.)
Problem: Your BOROMIR is upset because your ARAGORN model keeps stealing his wrist braces.
Solution: Threaten your ARAGORN by telling him that ‘The Sword That Was Broken’ can jolly well be broken again if he doesn’t behave himself. If that does not work, distract your ARAGORN with a partially unwrapped ARWEN unit.
Problem: Your BOROMIR keeps rooting through your jewellery box.
Solution: This is a fault inherent in the BOROMIR model. Learn to live with it. Try to regard it as one of those amusing little quirks that makes him interesting. If the malfunction becomes severe, give your BOROMIR an old curtain ring and tell him to, “Keep it safe and keep it secret!” This will ensure that he stays out of mischief.
Problem: Your BOROMIR shows no interest in jewellery and has become fascinated by the fair-haired young woman who lives next door. She is the niece of the Secretary of the Pony Club. She’s awfully pretty, but a bit of a tomboy.
Solution: You have accidentally been issued with a FARAMIR model. On the bright side, you have accidentally been issued with a FARAMIR model. Stop complaining!
Problem: Your BOROMIR keeps vanishing on Saturday afternoons and there are a large number of Sheffield United Football Club match-day programs lying around the house.
Solution: Check your BOROMIR’s left shoulder. If you find a tattoo reading “100% Blade”, then you have been fortunate enough to have been issued with SEAN BEAN. Make the most of the opportunities this presents before the South Yorkshire Police ‘Missing Persons’ squad gives you a visit. In the highly unlikely event that you do not wish to keep SEAN BEAN, feel free to post him to Theresa Green, Cambridge, England. To cut down on the cost of the postage, do not bother to pack his clothes.
Problem: Your BOROMIR is reluctant to help with the gardening.
Solution: Your BOROMIR will generally be more amenable to following orders if you whisper them to him in a poetic style while he is asleep. For example,
“Seek for the spade that is broken,
In garden shed it dwells…”
If this fails, tell your BOROMIR that you are thinking of employing a FARAMIR to do the gardening. Your BOROMIR will immediately claim that the job is too dangerous for a FARAMIR and rush headlong to do it himself.
Problem: Your BOROMIR is not interacting successfully with your GALADRIEL unit. He cannot meet her gaze, trembles and sweats profusely.
Solution: GALADRIELs are unusually sensitive to malfunctions in other models. It may be that she has detected a bug in your BOROMIR’s programming. Encourage your GALADRIEL to put BOROMIR at his ease by giving him a gift, e.g. a golden belt. If the problem persists and you are otherwise satisfied with your BOROMIR’s performance, throw away your GALADRIEL.
Note: GIMLI models also tend to tremble and sweat in the presence of GALADRIEL units, but the cause is somewhat different.
Problem: Your BOROMIR’s balance is atrocious. He keeps teetering on the brink of sheer cliffs, dropping torches and flailing his arms around wildly.
Solution: Purchase a Mk II LEGOLAS. The wood-elf unit is programmed to rescue wobbling BOROMIRs. Your BOROMIR’s reaction will be to sink back heavily on the LEGOLAS, causing extensive bruising to the Elf’s rear components. This is perfectly normal and is enjoyed by both parties.
Due to the somewhat volatile nature of the BOROMIR model, you will find that you have not been issued with a guarantee. Those owners who are already used to the 6,342,000 month extended warranties issued with Elven units may find this rather disappointing but such is the nature of your BOROMIR. Console yourself with the thought that at least your BOROMIR doesn’t use all your hair conditioner and strawberry-scented bubble bath.
This is a work of fan fiction, written because the author has an abiding love for the works of J R R Tolkien. The characters, settings, places, and languages used in this work are the property of the Tolkien Estate, Tolkien Enterprises, and possibly New Line Cinema, except for certain original characters who belong to the author of the said work. The author will not receive any money or other remuneration for presenting the work on this archive site. The work is the intellectual property of the author, is available solely for the enjoyment of Henneth Annûn Story Archive readers, and may not be copied or redistributed by any means without the explicit written consent of the author.