1. The Manual
You are now the proud owner of a GLORFINDEL. Before unwrapping your model, please check the packing label to make certain you have the right version. Vanyar Genome Corporation, Inc. currently produces two different versions of the GLORFINDEL unit:
GLORFINDEL I/First Age/Gondolin label
GLORFINDEL II/Third Age/Mandos label
Both GLORFINDEL models are guaranteed to provide you with centuries of enjoyment. Please refer to the following technical manual in order to reap the full benefits of your purchase.
Type: Vanyar/Noldor hybrid
Manufacturer: Vanyar Genome Corporation, Inc. GLORFINDEL I model: Gondolin Division. GLORFINDEL II model: Mandos Division.
Date of Manufacture: GLORFINDEL I model: Hrivë 14, Year of the Trees 402. GLORFINDEL II model: Coirë 36, S.A. 1650.
Length: More than adequate for your needs. Please refer to www.libraryofmoria.com for additional specifications.
Both GLORFINDEL models come with identical starter kits, including the following items:
A. Sword and shield bearing the device of the Golden Flower
B. White cloak, tunic and leggings (bleach sold separately)
C. 1 GE floodlight for your model’s Incandescent feature.
D. A Valian year’s supply of Findë shampoo and conditioner
If you own the GLORFINDEL II, you may wish to purchase an ASFALOTH model. Please refer to our catalog or call our toll-free number for ordering information.
Your GLORFINDEL model should arrive snug and secure in his crate. When you open the crate, partially unwrap your GLORFINDEL by removing his white cloak (it is not necessary to remove any of his other wrappings at this point) and install the enclosed GE floodlight in the appropriate socket. Be sure to put on the dark safety goggles (also enclosed) and make certain your unit is plugged into a surge protector before you press the On switch and boot your model for the first time.
Your GLORFINDEL I model will open his eyes and greet you in Quenya; timely installation of additional English/Quenya translation software (sold separately) will ensure he is able to communicate with you. Your GLORFINDEL II model will greet you with the words, “Ai na vedui, Dúnadan! Mae govannen!” Installation of an English/Sindarin translation software program (sold separately) will clear up any communication difficulties.
In the meantime, users of the GLORFINDEL I model can activate their units by uttering the phrase, “Aiya, ciranon,” while users of the GLORFINDEL II can initiate normal operations via the simple voice command, “Eictho-ni, ada!”
CARING FOR YOUR GLORFINDEL:
Your GLORFINDEL is a relatively easy model to maintain. When not in use, he should be unplugged, wrapped in his white cloak and stored in a cool, dark place. Regardless of what he may tell you, it is not necessary to handcuff him to your bed or otherwise restrain him for storage purposes. Such procedures are, however, appropriate for other maintenance functions which are currently beyond the scope of this manual.
Due to the fact that white attracts stains easily, your GLORFINDEL model may require frequent cleaning. He is easily washed in warm, soapy water. Please observe all safety warnings and unplug your model from his outlet before immersing him. Your GLORFINDEL’s moving parts should be kept well-lubricated with liberal applications of oil, preferably applied in a dimly-lit environment illuminated by many scented candles.
As your GLORFINDEL model has been programmed to enjoy his maintenance, you will find caring for him a highly rewarding experience.
COMPATABILITY WITH OTHER MODELS:
Regardless of whichever model you decide to purchase, you will find your GLORFINDEL to be an easygoing unit capable of interacting with numerous other models. He has three modes of operation: Protector, Balrog-slayer and Slash; the factory default setting is Protector.
To avoid confusion, users should adhere to the following suggested guidelines:
GLORFINDEL I models should not interact with any Second or Third Age models. Users should limit his contact to TURGON, IDRIL, TUOR and any of the Captains of Gondolin ® models. GLORFINDEL I models get along particularly well with ECTHELION models, though you may find they have a tendency to go into Slash mode if allowed to interact unsupervised.
*A Word of Caution: Users should not allow their GLORFINDEL I models to interact with any BALROG model without taking proper precautions. This includes braiding or trimming your GLORFINDEL’s hair (a crew cut is highly recommended), and having your units play in an area devoid of high cliffs and sheer drops; the CIRITH THORONATH playset should not be utilized for this purpose.
Your GLORFINDEL II model is capable of interacting with any Second or Third Age model, but gets along particularly well with ARAGORN and GANDALF units and any model from the Hobbit ® or Imladris ® lines. He is also capable of interacting with LEGOLAS, THRANDUIL, HALDIR, RÚMIL, OROPHIN and CELEBORN models, though you will have to set both units to Slash mode beforehand.
TROUBLESHOOTING YOUR GLORFINDEL MODEL:
Problem: Your GLORFINDEL II is behaving in a very bizarre, suggestive manner around your ELROND, ERESTOR, LINDIR and/or ELLADAN/ELROHIR models.
Solution: Your model is set to Slash mode.
Problem: Your GLORFINDEL II insists on walking behind you, saying he will hold the rear manfully.
Solution: You have accidentally been issued with a GLORFINDEL I Gondolin model. However, if your GLORFINDEL is set to Slash mode while making this utterance, and you enjoy this sort of thing, you need not be concerned.
Problem: Your neighbor/kid/significant other has been wounded while playing with a WITCH KING model, but your GLORFINDEL II model is of absolutely no assistance.
Solution: Either your GLORFINDEL II has not been programmed with the appropriate Ringwraith IX Anti-Virus software, or you have accidentally been issued with a GLORFINDEL I model.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS:
Q: I have read in various other manuals that it is possible for a GLORFINDEL model to become pregnant.
A: Regardless of what you may have read at www.libraryofmoria.com, this is not a function of any of our male units. You may keep him in Slash mode as long as you like, as long as he is kept properly lubricated.
Q: I would like to breed from my GLORFINDEL model. What female models is he compatible with?
A: Unfortunately, neither version is programmed to show an interest in reproduction. However, if you insist on proceeding, you may attempt to breed from IDRIL or ARWEN models, though you are advised not to do so if you should have any TUOR or ARAGORN models in your home. Vanyar Genome Corporation, Inc. is not liable for any grave bodily injury you or your GLORFINDEL model should sustain while attempting this procedure.
Q: My GLORFINDEL’s silky hair is the envy of the neighborhood. My girlfriends are all dying to know where they can get their own bottles of Findë shampoo and conditioner.
A: Your GLORFINDEL comes with a Valian year’s supply of beauty products. Currently we do not sell these items separately, as they are not intended for mortal consumption. However, for that lovely Vanyarin blonde hair color, we can recommend Miss Yavanna ® hair products, formula #3 (“Golden Flower”).
Your GLORFINDEL model is both affable and easy to maintain. He should provide you and your family with centuries of delight. However, if your unit should ever malfunction, he can easily be rebooted with Pentium IV Mandos software or exchanged at our Valinor facility free of charge (shipping and handling not included).
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The phrases “Aiya, ciranon” (“Hello, sailor!”) and “Eictho-ni, ada!” (“Do me, daddy!”) have been borrowed and altered slightly. They originally appeared in Tyellas’ short story “Elf Slash Sarcasm.”
This is a work of fan fiction, written because the author has an abiding love for the works of J R R Tolkien. The characters, settings, places, and languages used in this work are the property of the Tolkien Estate, Tolkien Enterprises, and possibly New Line Cinema, except for certain original characters who belong to the author of the said work. The author will not receive any money or other remuneration for presenting the work on this archive site. The work is the intellectual property of the author, is available solely for the enjoyment of Henneth Annûn Story Archive readers, and may not be copied or redistributed by any means without the explicit written consent of the author.