Official Fanfiction University of Middle-earth, The: 24. The Hobbit Love Guide to Middle-earth

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24. The Hobbit Love Guide to Middle-earth

“So, who's the father?” Dot asked as they were walking towards class, Lina trying to stay awake (little RollFeet had kept both her and BreadLegs awake nearly all night).

“I'm not sure I want to know,” Lina replied. “All the possibilities creep me out. I just hope it ain't the Witch-Wall, because the last thing we need is an evil roll with legs trying to plot taking over the world. Oh, what is it now?”

There was quite a little crowd outside the lecture theatre, but no one made any sign of entering. Instead they were fighting to look inside, quite a few elbowing to get a better look.

“What's going on?” Lina called.

“Sauron defied the restraining order!” Darhyl replied without looking away from the door. “He was trying to take the Ring from Frodo when Morgoth came, and well…”

“It's MY Ring!” Sauron yelled, and there was a puff of smoke from the lecture theatre.

“No, it's Master Frodo's now,” came the brave voice of Sam.

“Shut up, I will eat you alive, you little upstart! Morgoth, *why* are you protecting them?”

“Yes, I wonder why,” came Morgoth's dry voice. “Let's see, you get the Ring, you become more powerful, start prancing about as if you rule the world… I think not.”

“You're protecting halflings! They're forces of good! And you call yourself a Dark Lord!”

“Hey, they're huggable. Just because I'm evil doesn't mean I'm blind.”

“Oh, you tardy maggot…”

“Like you really only want the Ring yourself, you weasely drool…”

“Excuse me, coming through…” Miss Cam announced, walking through the crowd and into the theatre. “Sauron! Need I remind you that there is a restraining order preventing you from coming near Frodo?”

“I AM A DARK LORD! I laugh in the face of restraining orders! I…”

“Do I need to get the Headmaster?” Miss Cam calmly replied.

There was a long silence.

“Fine,” Sauron hissed. “Morgoth, may I have a few words with you?”

The two Dark Lords came marching out, and the crowd began to quietly fill into the lecture theatre. Sam and Frodo had taken cover behind the desk, and were now peeking up.

“Saved from a Dark Lord by another Dark Lord,” Frodo said relieved. “Who would have thought?”

“So now you're going to be hiding me again now, aren't you?” The Ring said bitterly. “Just so you won't tempt Sauron.”

“Shut up. I'm not forgetting you started telling Sauron to keep me locked up in his dungeon for your amusement.” Taking a deep breath, the hobbit smiled at the class (and quite a few swooned). “Ah, welcome to Platonic Love 101 once again. We apologise for that little delay…”

“We apologise for being busy cuddling,” the Ring shot in.

“Do I really have to get Merry and Pippin and ask them to turn you urple?”

There was no answer.

“Okay, now you have all handed in your essays, and remember, finals are not far off now. You will need to prove you have understood platonic love for that. Now, Sam and I know you've had problems grasping the concept…”

There was a low, worried murmur.

“But we are confident you will study hard and pass, aren't we, Sam?”

“We sure are. I mean, you wouldn't want to disappoint *us*, would you?”

And then they both stared puppy-eyed at the class, smiling their most adorable smiles.

“Awww,” the crowd went.

“I think we're being emotionally blackmailed into studying hard,” Lina whispered.

“Yes, and it's working!” Dot whispered back.

“Remember, platonic's the word. And there is no such thing as platonic sex, miss Elvea, despite your convincing argument that sex and love are connected.”

“You say it so well, Frodo.”

“Thank you, Sam. Now remember, this subject is a prerequisite for Male Bonding 202 with Legolas and Gimli and I'm quite sure you don't want to miss that – do you miss Holling?” Frodo said and exchanged a telling look with Sam.

Lina sank down on her chair, thankful most of the chicks would probably think Frodo meant she wouldn't want to miss Legolas. Not that she wanted to miss Legolas, he was still hot and yummi, but Gimli… Oh, blasted. Why were things so complicated?

“With that in mind, we've developed a little love guide for Middle-earth. The chart please, Sam.”

Sam hoisted up a chart with a lot of names and arrows on.

“As you can see, this tells you what kind of love these different people share. Sam and I, for instance, platonic love. Aragorn and Arwen, destined love.”

“Legolas and Gimli, interspecies platonic love and friendship,” Sam went on. “Éowyn and Faramir, 'let's do it every night and not let anyone n the vicinity of our room get any sleep love'. Aragorn and Boromir, admiration and brotherly love. Galadriel and Celeborn, high, noble love and lots of skinny-dipping in Lothlórien's fountains. Aragorn and Legolas, as if.”

“Too right,” Frodo muttered. “Okay, Morgoth and Sauron, we don't even want to go there. Merry and Pippin, urple banditry. Gandalf and anyone, he's a Maia, enough said. Sauron and anyone, ew ew. And no, he has no daughter.”

“Yes, ew. I think that covers most of the pairings we could think of.”

“Should we tell them about Legolas/Frodo, Boromir/Frodo and all those?” Syndarys whispered.

“Better not, we could scar them for life,” Cerridwyn replied. “And they look so happy for having it all covered.”

And true, Sam and Frodo seemed to be beaming proudly, sure they finally had got the message across. Smiling so beautifully, no one wanted to break that mood(after all, you didn't see Sam and Frodo happy that often in the books or the movies. It was truly a sight to behold).

“Library afterwards?” Dot suggested.

“Yup,” Lina replied.

And who says emotional blackmail never works?


This is a work of fan fiction, written because the author has an abiding love for the works of J R R Tolkien. The characters, settings, places, and languages used in this work are the property of the Tolkien Estate, Tolkien Enterprises, and possibly New Line Cinema, except for certain original characters who belong to the author of the said work. The author will not receive any money or other remuneration for presenting the work on this archive site. The work is the intellectual property of the author, is available solely for the enjoyment of Henneth Annûn Story Archive readers, and may not be copied or redistributed by any means without the explicit written consent of the author.

Story Information

Author: Camilla Sandman

Status: Reviewed

Completion: Complete

Era: Other

Genre: Humor

Rating: General

Last Updated: 03/15/04

Original Post: 06/18/02

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