28. Nobody Expects the Orcish Inquisition
Thanks to The Philosopher At Large, who came up with the whole Dernhelm plot. Good one, Oh Brilliant One!
Oh, and blatant Monty Python shout-out ahead!
Lina slipped quietly into the crowd that morning, nervously making sure she had put her clothes on the right way. Her hair was all tussled, but with so many looking like they had been dragged out of bed, it didn't stand out too much.
Phew. All this sneaking back and forth was becoming a bit of a hassle. Still, it had been a most interesting night, most interesting…
“Welcome to the completely voluntarily seminars this weekend,” one of the people on the podium was saying. A Rider of Rohan, clear grey eyes looking over the crowd. The hair was hidden by a helm, and the rider seemed slightly smaller in stature than most men. “By completely voluntarily we mean an ass-kicking for anyone who does not participate. I am Dernhelm, I will be teaching…”
“He's rather cute,” Jules said, winking.
“Oh yeah,” another girl agreed. “Yummyiness central.”
Dernhelm looked amused, and it suddenly occurred to Lina the name was very familiar. Dernhelm – who was that again? It had been in the books…Dernhelm, Dernhelm – oh yeah! The Rider that Merry had met. What had that deal been again?
“I'd like a few minutes alone with him,” the girl giggled on.
“No, you don't!” Faramir said at the back of the crowd (having hidden behind some girls, who of course didn't notice him – movie two was yet to be released, after all), looking slightly upset.
“Faramir, I can handle this myself,” Dernhelm replied, but he paid no heed and marched up on the podium and suddenly the rider was on the receiving end of a passionate kiss (also known as 'marking the territory by means slightly more attractive than pissing').
“Eh?” said Jules, looking stunned. “Isn't he with Éowyn?”
“I am Éowyn,” Dernhelm replied calmly, untangling herself. “This seminar is on Riders of Rohan *and* how to be a strong female character and not 'suck at it' I believe Miss Cam called it.”
“And meanwhile I, with the help of the lovely Shadow, will be holding GrammarBootCamp,” Miss Cam cut in. “One you're/your mistake and *you're* running to Rivendell and back.”
“You better believe it,” Shadow replied, looking like Christmas had come early (even though there was no Christmas in Middle-earth).
“We'll take half, and you take half, and we swap halfway through the day,” Miss Cam suggested. “First names that start with A till M with Dernhelm, N till Z with us two.”
“Oh no,” Nikki muttered, . “Why did she have to split at M? Why? WHY?”
“Now, let us begin with why Legolas will never say 'shit' no matter how angry he was, okay little ones?” Shadow said in a friendly voice (the friendly voice that actually suggest 'I am rather hungry and I wouldn't mind having *you* for dinner, but if you behave I might settle for a nibble').
Lina sent Nikki a sympathetic look as she trotted away with the A-Ms, for surely GrammarBootCamp was the invention of pure evil. Ultimate evil, even. Wait a minute…
“Faramir, I can handle the rest,” Éowyn said as they trotted towards the stables ahead of the crowd.
“I know, but maybe you get to have a lunch break and…” he smiled and winked (Lina made a note to tell Legolas to have a chat with Faramir for proper winking usage. If the Elf truly was going ahead with his matchmaking plan, he had to be a bit more subtle than he was – she had seen him this morning practicing 'perhaps you would like to take her home for coffee, *suggestive stare*?').
“I like the sound of that…”
There was a loud groan. Startled, Lina looked up to see it come from the toilet windows. Who the heck was groaning… Oh. The Witch-Wall.
“And don't you forget it!” Éowyn called up, getting a hot look from Faramir.
“Banishing evil is so sexy, you know. Can I be the naughty Witch King tonight?”
Line blinked and tried not to picture that. Although maybe – she giggled.
“Lina, where were you last night?” Dot came walking over. “You just vanished with Toey, BreadLegs and RollFeet last night– what did you do?”
“Had them married,” Lina replied absentmindedly. “Toey insisted – I got them a shelf in the staff section for now. They're honeymooning, Toey even put up a 'If the shelf is a-rocking, don't come a-knocking' sign, and the mere thought nearly had Galadriel down again. Me and… umm.. I looked after RollFeet for the night.”
“Oh dear. You actually think that marriage will work?”
Lina shrugged. “They're in love. She 'oyoy'ed her consent. Who am I to stand in the way?”
“Yes, but an evil toe ring and a bread with legs?”
“Sauron came in and objected, actually. Then Morgoth objected to his objection, and Sauron objected to the objection of the objection… And the marriage went ahead while those two argued. Sauron tried to look gloom, but with him having a girlfriend and everything…”
“Sauron has a girlfriend?” Dot gasped.
“Or something-friend. Who would actually go after a Dark Lord? Although he probably has his good sides.. ummm.. evil attractive sides.”
“Ew, Lina, don't make me go there. Where do you get all this from anyway? You're like gossip central and don't even advertise it. If I didn't know better I'd think you had moved into the staff section.”
“What a silly notion,” Lina grinned, just as there was a loud drum roll. Three orcs came striding out, looking as serious as accountants telling you your tax deductions.
“Miss Holling, Sauron, Lord of the Earth sent us to 'intimidate into not revealing that I have a girlfriend, but subtly'. Oh, I shouldn't have said that, should I? I'll start again. We are the Orcish Inquisition…”
And they get no further, because the crowd was on the ground laughing so hard it was said it scared off crows miles away, leaving the orcs and the Middle-earthians looking baffled.
“That's the last time we ask Saruman what humans consider scary,” the orc muttered, miffed.
This is a work of fan fiction, written because the author has an abiding love for the works of J R R Tolkien. The characters, settings, places, and languages used in this work are the property of the Tolkien Estate, Tolkien Enterprises, and possibly New Line Cinema, except for certain original characters who belong to the author of the said work. The author will not receive any money or other remuneration for presenting the work on this archive site. The work is the intellectual property of the author, is available solely for the enjoyment of Henneth Annûn Story Archive readers, and may not be copied or redistributed by any means without the explicit written consent of the author.