37. The Urple Wizard And a Few Dorks
The awesome Dwimordene whispered a few words in Miss Cam’s ear about nicknames. And Miss Cam is a listener.
When she isn’t busy yelling, that is.
Lina wandered into lecture theatre two with the rest of the students pretty much knowing what was coming. There would be a name, the correct spelling and probably a threat to be done something quite horrid to. That was in essence ‘What’s In a Name 101’.
However, it was only Miss Cam that stood by the lecturer’s desk, feeding Borimir and Farimir some bacon.
“Today class,” Miss Cam said, smiling broadly, “we are going to talk about some of the things you do to Middle-earth names that doesn’t actually breed a mini-Balrogs. We are going to talk about...”
She took a dramatic pause, looking out over the class.
“Nicknames. That’s right, the horribly cutesy names that some have an urge to give to grown-up elves/hobbits/men. Quite frankly, I’m almost relieved there is no mini-Balrogs to gain there, because I cannot imagine something trying to be scary with a name like ‘Legsie’. Honestly...”
“But... But they are cute!” one girl argued.
Miss Cam narrowed her eyes. “Cute, you say? Let us observe a little experiment... If I may draw your attention to the window...”
The class reluctantly moved to the windows, gazing down to see a group of orcs gathered and a few metres away, Legolas, Frodo and Gandalf.
Syndarys immediately tried to sneak off to the door to get down there, but Borimir and Farimir were on guard and blocking the door. They sure moved fast, those mini-Balrogs.
“Observe, students. Orcs, take battle positions. Legolas, draw your bow.”
The class swooned as Legolas within a heartbeat had an arrow drawn and ready to fire.
“Impressive, yes? Even the orcs are wary of him. However, watch the effect of this...”
Taking a deep breath, Miss Cam leaned out the window.
“My Leggy, my adorable Legsie, please save me!”
The orcs looked at each other, then all of them broke into laughter. A few nearly fell down laughing so hard.
“See? Thank you, Legolas. Gandalf?”
Gandalf lifted his staff and sword, shining white in the sun. He looked most impressive, and the orcs stopped laughing.
“You shall not pass!” Gandalf said, and the orcs shifted their feet and looked ready to bolt.
“Again, observe this - “ Gandy-wandy, be careful!”
The orcs looked at each other. A few mouthed ‘Gandy-wandy’ before letting out a collective roar of laughter.
“I don’t think we’ll need your services Frodo, but thank you. Now, students, what did you learn from this?”
“Gandy-wandy! LEGGY!” the orcs howled, leaning on each other.
“Thank you, orcs, now get going before I start calling you all ‘Orcy- dorky’.”
The orcs ran off like their bums were on fire, leaving Legolas, Gandalf and Frodo to smirk.
“I shall have to remember that trick for the next time Sauron bothers me,” Frodo said, getting a pat on the back from Gandalf.
The students reluctantly walked away from the windows, taking their seats again.
“But aren’t ‘Merry’ and ‘Pippin’ nicknames?” Tex asked.
“That’s different. They’re good nicknames,” Miss Cam said briskly. “His Greatness Tolkien came up with those. If he wanted Legolas to be known as ‘Legsie’ or ‘Lego’, I think he would have mentioned it somewhere, don’t you? And honestly, giving a nickname to an Istari...”
“But Gandalf gives me nicknames,” a voice complained, and all the students looked to the door - and were nearly blinded.
“Urple!” Whit whimpered.
“That’s not nicknames he’s giving you, Ragna, that’s human... umm... affectionate names,” Miss Cam replied, shielding her eyes.
“So by calling me ‘dork’ he is showing his affection?” the cheerful voice said again.
“Yes, yes, it’s very affectionate. Means he thinks high thoughts of you.”
“Who is THAT?” Dot muttered.
“I’m Ragna the Urple, proud member of the Istari!” Ragna replied, the urple light around him finally fading.
“What? But there were only five Istari,” Sorne argued, getting a few sour looks from the rest of the students. “Gandalf, Rabagast, Saruman and the two blue wizards.”
“Show-off,” Arien muttered under her breath. Sorne was the only one who actually seemed to enjoy Elrond’s classes.
“Only five that disembarked in Middle-earth,” Ragna replied, looking slightly embarrassed. “I overslept on the boat. Just by a few millennia, mind you, how was I to know all the fighting would be done by then? Not that I don’t enjoy the peace these days. And of course that charming man called Wormtongue insisted my colour deserved more recognition and offered to spread it.”
“Yes, we’re all very grateful to him for *that*,” Miss Cam said through clenched teeth.
“And those delightful hobbits who do banditry with my colour...”
“Yes, *thank* you, Ragna,” Miss Cam said. “I am trying to teach a class here, you know.”
“My apologies.” Ragna the Urple bowed, then trotted off, leaving everyone to sigh in relief.
“If there wasn’t already an ultimate evil, I would nominated him,” Miss Cam groaned. “Although, if he actually had disembarked in Middle-earth, all he had to do was show up, and Sauron would have run screaming away. Could have saved a lot of time.”
“Hey, what is the ultimate evil anyway?” Lina asked, sight beginning to return to her.
“Oh, that. You see...” Miss Cam began, when there was a loud yell from the direction of the staff section.
“You called me a DORK!” Saruman bellowed.
“Yes, I think very highly of you,” Ragna said. “Before you turned evil, you were a great dork.”
There was a long, ominous silence.
There was a long, ominous hiss.
The world exploded in white and urple.
“Oh dear,” Miss Cam said. “ I hope Morgoth and Sauron weren’t in the hallway...”
“You are trying to blind me with urple light through that wizard of yours!”
“Mine? I thought he had sided with YOU!”
“Now, now,” Ragna broke in, still sounding cheerful. “Dark Lords, you are great dorks, so you will understand that we were only...”
“The lesson from this, students, it’s knowing for sure what a word means before you use it,” Miss Cam said. “Now take cover...”
This is a work of fan fiction, written because the author has an abiding love for the works of J R R Tolkien. The characters, settings, places, and languages used in this work are the property of the Tolkien Estate, Tolkien Enterprises, and possibly New Line Cinema, except for certain original characters who belong to the author of the said work. The author will not receive any money or other remuneration for presenting the work on this archive site. The work is the intellectual property of the author, is available solely for the enjoyment of Henneth Annûn Story Archive readers, and may not be copied or redistributed by any means without the explicit written consent of the author.