Official Fanfiction University of Middle-earth, The: 48. Woo, Woo, Woo Your Wall

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48. Woo, Woo, Woo Your Wall

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'Woo, Woo, Woo Your Wall' is to the tune of 'Row, Row, Row Your Boat'
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Lina couldn't help but smile as Dot entered the library, looking like all the grief in the world had been put on her.

“How was it?”

“Horrid!” Dot exclaimed. “Stupid Witch-Wall. Can they really do that? Force all of us to woo the Witch-Wall to pass Galadriel's subject?”

“You all drew his name, didn't you?”

“Yeah, but it was clearly rigged.”

“I suppose Galadriel thought it a proper payback. Did you pass?”

“Yeah,” Dot muttered, getting a look from Jean the Librarian-Assistant, a look that quite clearly said 'Quiet, or Miss Cam Will Come With Her Paddle And You Really, Really, Really Don't Want That'.

“What are you reading, anyway? You've passed all the exams, even Elrond's. You and Sorne were top of the class.”

“Well, I didn't exclaim 'But ten is a more logical number!' in the middle of the exam for starters.”

Dot winced. “Yeah, poor chick. How many times did he force that one to write 'I shall listen to Lord Elrond'?”

“Nine hundred and ninety-nine times, of course,” Lina replied. “But honestly, his class ain't that hard. At least not when you can hear him rehearse exclaiming the questions dramatically the night before the exam. 'Why is NINE logical?' and so on.”

Dot eyed her. “You're starting to scare me, spending all that time in the staff section and all the reading you do... I would almost think you were aiming for a staff position.”

Lina laughed nervously. “Who, me? Never.”

“Riiiiight. You aren't the only one either, you know. No one wants to leave! Of course, no one wants to fail graduation either, and be subjected to the horror of the Ringbarer.”

“Nope,” Lina replied. “Just the idea of 'Toey Bares It All' for the rest of your life makes most student run away screaming. We really should have read that small print on that enrolment form. What did Miss Cam do to the student who wanted to drop out anyway?”

Dot shrugged. “Do you really want to know?”

“Good point.”

Kris and Bryne entered, both looking equally horrified.

“Why couldn't Galadriel had let me woo Gwaihir the Windlord?” Bryne complained.

“Because that image would have put her in a coma,” Kris relied. “Though I would have been willing to comfort her afterwards.”

Harle the mini-Sky-Dragon came trotting after them. Though she had put on her enrolment form that her species mostly looked like 'ordinary people' and not so much the typical dragon, the registration office thought it was rather sad she could not be dragon-like all the time – and thus arranged for her to be. Of course, dragons are big and the University was mostly built for humanoid sizes, so they had decided she could be a mini-dragon.

On the plus side, Glorfindel did like to bring her along to S.I.C.T.N.I.T.M meetings to translate what Smaug rambled on about (though technically he was of The Hobbit, no one wanted to deny him entrance to the meetings. Dragons threw the worst tantrums).

“Worst exam of them all,” Kris complained, dropping down on a chair.

“I found it easy,” Zikulkodar replied, entering with her sister Mor'loki in tow.

“That's because you're evil. That's like cheating. He instantly likes you,” Dot muttered.

Lina smirked, remembering that the Witch-Wall actually didn't care much about what side you were on (and more about what bra-size you were) . Though the Evil Minions exam had been quite evil – the real test had actually been if you could make another student fail at the out-hissing and out-cackling. And thus, since everyone had failed, everyone had passed, too.

Gimli and Legolas had probably passed them all just to get away from the Wringwraiths, who were great guards, but even greater fondlers (to the point of Legolas complaining he almost preferred stampedes. Almost. Phoenix Song had managed to change his mind when tackling him before the exam). And Miss Cam had passed them all, probably so she could torture them for another semester. She was going to teach 'Know This, or Know the Power of a Swift Kick to the Bum: LotR General Knowledge', and had brought out her special Canon-Accurate Paddle to shine up in preparation.

Quite a crowd was beginning to gather in the library of students having finished the exam, although few seemed to want to read (which did not make the Librarian happy).

“I fear Poetry the coming semester,” Mor'loki said. “Tom Bombadil as teacher – we're all doomed.”

“Hey, we do get Pippin and Merry in Hobbit Home Delights,” Lily replied, cheerful.

“Much more fun if Frodo had taught it,” Liela muttered.

And that of course launched the Hobbit War, Cute Comic Relief versus Suffering Huggability, round three hundred and something. Lina had honestly lost track. She just knew it always ended the same way – one or both of the Dark Lords showing up and a few explosions later, the library had to be rebuilt. Again.

So Lina slipped out in between the barricading and paperball bombing of the two sides, clutching her book. She passed Morgoth in the hallway, looking like a kid with a new toy (his 'Putting the Dark in Dark Lord' was up for this last semester as well, so the Dark Lord was trying to be even more evil than usual in preparation. Though Sauron was probably plotting to interrupt, conspiring with Rabagast, Radagast's evil twin. Saruman had changed side, after all).

She smiled sadly. One semester left. She would miss even the Dark Lords – though she was quite sure she would NOT miss the Witch-Wall.

She looked down at her book, 'Dwarvish for Dummies Who Wish to Be Enlightened.' It would of course help her with 'Alas, No Dude Here: Languages in Middle-earth' for the upcoming semester, but she had another reason for learning it.

Her own woo-object - Gimli.

And though it was just one semester left, she intended to enjoy it. Starting with payback for all those horrid poems the Witch-Wall had subjected her to (especially late at night) – she would read him the hour long poem from Tom Bombadil on why urple was not that bad a colour (she had asked for it for this very occasion).

“Woo, Woo, Woo Your Wall,
Now it's time to pay,” she sung happily and entered the toilets.

It took five minutes before he was begging for mercy.


This is a work of fan fiction, written because the author has an abiding love for the works of J R R Tolkien. The characters, settings, places, and languages used in this work are the property of the Tolkien Estate, Tolkien Enterprises, and possibly New Line Cinema, except for certain original characters who belong to the author of the said work. The author will not receive any money or other remuneration for presenting the work on this archive site. The work is the intellectual property of the author, is available solely for the enjoyment of Henneth Annûn Story Archive readers, and may not be copied or redistributed by any means without the explicit written consent of the author.

Story Information

Author: Camilla Sandman

Status: Reviewed

Completion: Complete

Era: Other

Genre: Humor

Rating: General

Last Updated: 03/15/04

Original Post: 06/18/02

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