Official Fanfiction University of Middle-earth, The: 5. Evil IS Evil

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5. Evil IS Evil

Mushrooms.

The first sensation Lina registered was the smell of mushrooms. It seemed to be everywhere, and she hated mushrooms.

Her next sensation was that of pain. Skull-splitting, throbbing pain pulsing through her head. And of course, there would be no aspirins.

What had she been doing last night? She remembered drinking and talking to Gimli and… Pinching his butt?!

“Oh NO,” she groaned, and hid her head under the pillow. She could never show her face ever again. She had been hitting on Gimli! GIMLI! Had it only been Aragorn or maybe one of the hobbits, that she could have lived with, but Gimli…

“Lina, you awake?”

“No, I'm dead.”

“Everyone is so envious of you.”

“What?” Pushing away the pillow, Lina stared up at Dot in confusion.

“After you began hitting on Gimli, Legolas came to save his friend, and you passed out in his arms! All the Legolas girls were green with envy!”

“What?” Lina bolted upright, ignoring the throbbing pain in her head. “I passed out in Legolas's arms?”

“Yeah. He carried you to bed, and tucked you in and everything.”

“Oh. My. God,” Lina muttered. Her fantasy had come true, and she didn't even remember it! The world was cruel. Cruel, cruel, cruel.

“At least you missed the poetry reading,” Dot said sympathetically. “Sauron threatened to blow up the hall if Tom Bombadil didn't shut up, and the Morgoth threaten to blow the whole University up and then Sauron threaten to blow the whole world up, and then they tried to get Gandalf to decide who was the best Dark Lord.”

“Why do I smell mushrooms?”

“That's Magda's great plan to get Pippin's attention. I think Syndarys helped her – it rather backfired on them though.”

“How so?”

“The hobbit-students stampeded them and ate all the mushrooms.”

“Hoo boy.”

“Sadly, the smell still lingers and all the hobbits seem to be going slightly mad.”

“Great, great, great, great.”

Sinking down in her bed again, Lina closed her eyes. She'd just sleep and wake up refreshed, all ready to…

The siren that began blazing nearly caused her head to burst. She bolted up, years of fire exercises drilled into her, and bolted for the exit. Everyone else seemed to be doing the same thing, scrambling as fast as they could.

By the exit stood a very smug Sauron waiting.

“Ah, my students. Class begins in five minutes in lecture theatre one. Be there, or have failed the class.”

“But classes are not to begin until next week!” Jules, one of the first floor girls, broke in.

“Getting you to have the first class now… Now that would be rather evil, wouldn't it?” Sauron smirked. “MOVE! NOW!”

Everyone tripped over each other in their hurry to get notebooks and get to the lecture theatre on time. Lina managed it just, her head throbbing so bad she wondered if her heart had somehow landed in her head.

“Be seated,” Sauron said calmly, looking like all his Christmases had come at once. “Let us begin with a little tally.. How many here consider themselves evil?”

Quite a few hands were raised.

“You puny mortals! You think you can just declare yourself evil, and you will be? You there!” he pointed to a young girl who had lifted her hand. “You think you're evil? What's your name?”

“K-knight Obi,” the girl replied.

“Knight? You expect people to believe you are evil with a name like that? At least add 'black' or 'dread' or 'death' to it. So tell me, *Knight*, have you brought any cities down? Blackened a whole world? Go on, don't be shy.”

“Umm.. No.”

“And you call yourself evil?! The standards they set for evil today… In my days, you had to at least had caused a river of blood. You're a sad, sad excuse for evil.”

The girl looked down.

“When I'm done with you, you'll know how to cause a world to bleed and men to cry out your name in terror.” He looked down at his notes.

“Gandalf has forced me to clarify that the knowledge you gain here should be used in your writing, and not in real life,” he added rather sourly.

“For next week, I want a thousand page essay on how you would attempt to take over Middle-earth. Oh, and if you suggest creating another One Ring or any kind of jewellery, I will force you to listen to Bombadil poetry for a whole day.”

“He IS evil!” Jules muttered, looking impressed.

“Today we will talk about the language of evil. You there!” he pointed to a young girl Lina thought was named Feather.

"Why is the language of Mordor more evil sounding than Common?”

“Eh…Because there is hisses in it and stuff?”

“Pathetic. 'Hisses and stuff'. Its sounds evil because it is evil, and everyone knows it. It's all about *reputation*. If people know you are evil, everything you say will sound evil to them.”

“But Morgoth said evil doesn't need to brag about it,” Feather muttered.

A terrified silence fell.

“What did you say?” hissed Sauron, thumping his fist down on the lecturer desk and breaking it.

“I.. um.. Just that Morgoth said…”

“YOU WILL NOT SPEAK HIS NAME!” bellowed Sauron, and the whole room turned black. “I am the Dark Lord! I am teaching this class. Now, everyone write 'Sauron is the Dark Lord' in Mordor tongue, and woe the one who gets a single hiss wrong.”

The class sighed, and everyone reached for their “The Art of Evil Speech” dictionaries.

Who would have known evil would be this.. umm.. evil?


This is a work of fan fiction, written because the author has an abiding love for the works of J R R Tolkien. The characters, settings, places, and languages used in this work are the property of the Tolkien Estate, Tolkien Enterprises, and possibly New Line Cinema, except for certain original characters who belong to the author of the said work. The author will not receive any money or other remuneration for presenting the work on this archive site. The work is the intellectual property of the author, is available solely for the enjoyment of Henneth Annûn Story Archive readers, and may not be copied or redistributed by any means without the explicit written consent of the author.

Story Information

Author: Camilla Sandman

Status: Reviewed

Completion: Complete

Era: Other

Genre: Humor

Rating: General

Last Updated: 03/15/04

Original Post: 06/18/02

Go to Official Fanfiction University of Middle-earth, The overview

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