51. The Complications of Commas and Dates With Evil
Dwimordene came up with the GrammarBootCamp again, rather peeved at stubbing her toe on Long Table Elrond. However, Miss Cam wouldn't mind a Legolas Hammock to rest in.
There is evil, and there is evil. Some evils are more like a splinter in your finger – mostly annoying, but hardly a big deal. Others are like urple paint – it hurts just thinking about them. And some evils are so old they have become a shadow of the past, a nameless fear – only to discover a few generations later, hardly anyone pays attention.
“What do you mean, 'you haven't heard of me'?” Morgoth thundered. “I was evil before the word was invented!”
Jocelyn squirmed. “I just… I just asked what part of Mordor you lived in because I hadn't heard of you. I…”
“I HAD MY OWN BLOODY STRONGHOLD!” Morgoth bellowed, in his quite fake Australian accent. He had listened in on a conversation between Lina and Miss Cam on hot Australian studs, and had decided perhaps that was what was needed to become a lust object. Sadly, he was doing it horribly.
Taking a calming breath, he gave the class a death stare (he might be old, but he knew his death stares).
“Forget all that Sissy Sauron taught you. This is advanced evil. In this class we will look at real evil – me. Voted 'Evilest Still' by the Elven council four millennia in a row. Destroyer of the Two Trees, re-possessor of the Silmarils…”
“The what?” one girl asked, eyeing the male student in front of her (Mike, who sadly was into slightly older women – he lusted after Yavanna, who was too shocked at having someone who actually knew who she was to mind).
Morgoth let out a throaty growl, making Knight Obi nearly purr.
“The Silmarils – the three great jewels that Fëanor created, but did not have the right skin tone for, so I repossessed them. They looked better on me.”
“I thought that were the Silmirals,” Marion the Retired Vampire Slayer (after all, no vampires in Middle-earth to slay and mini-Balrogs thought stabbing with pointed wood sticks was a new version of 'tag' and thus it was hard to stay in shape) said.
“No. Those are the marbles Fëanor sells a 'genuine' replicas,” Morgoth snorted. “About as genuine as an orc's teeth.”
Emily looked down at her marble, sighing. “I guess I won't lure Legolas in with that, then.”
Lina shook her head, fingering her own Silmiral marble (Fëanor had sold them to nearly every student, as all wanted a souvenir of Middle-earth to take home). She had found a most constructive use for it, oh yes.
“So if you lived way back then, maybe you can answer a very important question for us,” Chiara said, leaning forward eagerly.
“Of course. I know what you are going to ask - am I the best candidate for the Ultimate Evil? Yes, I am!”
“Um... We were actually thinking about Glorfindel – is there just one, or two – one from Rivendell and one from Gondolin? If so, are they equally hot?” Pachebel asked.
“*Important* questions you may ask, this is not 'give the hormones a voice.' Now that we are all clear on that, I hope you all have a copy of my autobiography, 'Evil Till the Bitter and Forgotten End' before I roast you all for breakfast. Incidentally, Miss Dwimordene has asked me to inform you all of the upcoming EmergencyGrammarBootCamp on commas and punctuation right after this class. There will be a test – whoever gets the worst result is the ever so lucky winner of a date with me. Runner-up gets to watch.”
He paused to smile, showing of his bright, white, fanged teeth.
Lina smirked. Merry and Pippin had conspired and put both Ungoliant and Shelob on the list of students attending the BootCamp, and since either spider would show up, they would fail by default and 'win' the prize. Lina almost pitied Morgoth. Almost.
“I will test you all in the first chapter for the next class, as well as a randomly picked other chapters, just because I am evil. Also because I am evil, you will all now go outside and have GrammarBootCamp. I hope Saruman remembered to get me a good seat…”
Swallowing nervously, the class wandered outside, everyone looking as if they'd rather eat a sweaty sock.
“Welcome!” Miss Cam declared, standing in front of Long Table Elrond on the great lawn. “Today we shall talk about commas, so that I may perhaps for once have a decent night's sleep and not be woken by some freaky happening.”
“I have a very bad feeling about this,” The Elf Who Walks Alone muttered.
“How bad can it be?” Ross asked, staring warily at the table.
“Remember the last one?” Aldarona shot back.
“No, I blacked out on the second mini-Balrog body slam.”
“Lucky,” Maiya muttered. “My back still hurts.”
Miss Dwimordene smiled in a particular nasty way.
“Commas and clauses,” she began. “We love commas because they are our friends and prevent random pieces of furniture from appearing in the great hall. One should be mindful of the separation of clauses, lest ye suffer greatly from your own creations (see how that happened? There's a comma separating the parts of the sentence that deal with different aspects of a train of thought). Witness the fate of she who created the Long Table Elrond by carelessly omitting the comma that would've separated the introductory clause from the main clause. If you look up you should see her passing over now.”
“You mean that dot screaming 'aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh' high up there?” Phoenix Song asked.
”That's just the excitement of being part of a true mini-Balrog training session,” Dwimordene replied, exchanging a glance with Miss Cam. “We take volunteers these days, so feel free to sign up. Now, you'll be excited to learn that the minis find the table an excellent landing platform, and Farimir in particular enjoys practicing carrier landings. So our lucky 'volunteer', the proud creator of Long Table Elrond, has earned a free demonstration of Farimir's landing prowess... Which, alas, is not all that stunning, unless 'stunning' refers to the force of his landing.”
The class winced.
“Notice, by the way, the use of the commas to form an appositive phrase in the previous sentence. We know what an apposition is, yes?” Dwimordene went on. “It's the substitution of nouns meaning the same thing in a sentence, as in: you, the suffering students, will shortly be needing tweezers to pick the splinters out of your sorry hides after the minis have finished landing practice.”
“This is going to be painful, isn't it?” Isabell asked.
“Oh yes. So was tripping over Long Table Elrond in the dark. But I wouldn't try skipping the test. Malien tried skipping 'Putting the Dark in Dark Lord' today,” Miss Cam replied. “She's in detention, teaching the mini-Balrogs the Macarena. Now sit down and do the prepared test. Shadow is being a leaf in the wind today, so I wouldn't try cheating. Thundera Tiger, I believe we already are clear on who 'won' the date with Morgoth?”
“Yes. Ungoliant and Shelob.”
“What do you mean, Ungoliant and Shelob?” Morgoth asked. “SAURON! You did this!”
“Now, now,” Sauron grinned, winking at Lyle. “I am sure you and Ungoliant have a lot of old memories to relive and most importantly – I'm still the only Dark Lord with a love slave.”
Lina winced, already knowing where this would end. At least the Long Table Elrond now came in handy – a better shelter from Dark Lords throwing Spitballs of Doom on each other was hard to find.
This is a work of fan fiction, written because the author has an abiding love for the works of J R R Tolkien. The characters, settings, places, and languages used in this work are the property of the Tolkien Estate, Tolkien Enterprises, and possibly New Line Cinema, except for certain original characters who belong to the author of the said work. The author will not receive any money or other remuneration for presenting the work on this archive site. The work is the intellectual property of the author, is available solely for the enjoyment of Henneth Annûn Story Archive readers, and may not be copied or redistributed by any means without the explicit written consent of the author.