6. An Arrow to the Bum
“A thousand page essay!” complained Tex, one of the younger students at OFUM. “I don't even wanna take over Middle-earth!”
“Speak for yourself,” replied Gami from across the study hall, where the Evil Gang had gathered. The students were already beginning to split into groups – there was the Evil, the hobbits, the hobbit-wannabes who lusted after one or more of the hobbit guys, the Aragorn chicks, the slash writers and a few scattered smaller groups of admirers of other characters.
The largest group was the Legolas girls, and that was where Lina was. Of course, everyone there planned to backstab each other at the first given opportunity to gain Legolas's attention. All was fair in love and teenage obsession, after all.
But one thing they all agreed on was that Sauron was evil, evil, evil. Feather still looked gloomily at her hair, which Sauron had turned orange. Jules was equally morose, having failed his pop quiz of “The Ten Steps of Making an Orc of an Elf”, he had made her grow a beard. A pink beard.
“On Monday we have Elrond's class,” Dot said fearfully.
“He can't be worse than Sauron,” Lina replied, throwing a look at poor Jules. Although beards were kinda sexy – No, no, no! That was a *wrong* thought, that was just crazy. After-effects of Elven wine, yup, that was it.
“I dunno. I hear his exam is to write an LotR fanfic in Elvish without any self inserted character.”
“But that's just wrong!” Lina replied, horrified.
The two contemplated that prospect in silence for a while trying to come up with ideas for the essay.
“I never thought it would be so hard to think evilly. It's like.. I thought you'd just be evil, you know? But no, you have to have plans to dominate the world, build a reputation, create minions, make sure your second in command does not usurp you. Hard work, you know?” Jo complained
Lina sent her a sour look, having gotten a lashing from her for calling the girl 'Johanna' – some people were so touchy. Although Morgoth had hung a girl from the stairway for calling him 'Mogoth', so perhaps a lashing wasn't so bad. And Georgia were insisting on being called 'Azuresage' – did these girls really think cool names would impress Legolas – although that could actually work…
Lina was a dull name. She needed something cool, something… Elvish. Like Legolette, or Lasana, or… She began pondering, scribbling down names idly at the essay paper.
“There should be a law against doing essays on weekends,” Dot complained. “I want to go to Minas Tirith.”
They both sent a nasty look at Melilot, who had tried to sneak past the mini-Balrogs by feeding them bacon so she could enter the staff area and sneak into Frodo's room. Unfortunately, Miss Cam had caught her and taken away all weekend privileges. No Minas Tirith trip for anyone.
Lina continued to scribble down names. Legolana, Arwinia, Laslette, Lasir, Legir.. This would surely win him over.
A girl walked past, looking amazingly smug and carrying a rather bendy branch and some string. Lina recognised her as Silver Rose, who had tried to serenade Legolas during the party. What was she up to now?
Best to keep an eye out.
Silence fell again, while everyone struggled with their essays, except for Lina who was simply continuing her list of possible names. Maybe Greenflower would do it? Greentree?
Suddenly there was a great bellow of rage and pain from outside.
Everyone scrambled for the windows, gazing out to see a very pissy looking Morgoth advancing on Silver Rose, who looked like a deer caught in the headlights. From her hand dangled a bow, and an arrow was solidly planted in Morgoth's bum.
“I guess she was trying to get Legolas to give her archery lessons,” Syndarys remarked.
“YOU DARE FIRE AN ARROW AT ME!” Morgoth sounded torn between rage and disbelief.
“I.. I..” stuttered the girl, dropping her bow.
Taking a deep breath, Morgoth concentrated and suddenly a great sword appeared in his hand.
“I shall EAT you, you puny being!”
“You call that a weapon?” came Sauron's voice, as the (other) Dark Lord strode through the door and out on the grass. Morgoth spun around, looking ready to kill.
“THIS is a weapon!” Sauron added, lifting his mace.
“You pathetic excuse for evil, I'll show you a weapon…” Morgoth muttered, suddenly holding a large axe.
“HAH!” Sauron scoffed, his mace becoming a flail with each spiky head skull-shaped.
“HaHAH!” countered Morgoth, his axe becoming two-faced and with a blood-red rim.
“Pansy jewellery obsessed wimp!”
“Jelly brained oldie!”
“You were defeated by a hobbit!” Morgoth shot back.
Neither Dark Lord noticed Silver Rose slipping quietly away, the first ever to shoot a Dark Lord in the bum and live to tell the tale.
This is a work of fan fiction, written because the author has an abiding love for the works of J R R Tolkien. The characters, settings, places, and languages used in this work are the property of the Tolkien Estate, Tolkien Enterprises, and possibly New Line Cinema, except for certain original characters who belong to the author of the said work. The author will not receive any money or other remuneration for presenting the work on this archive site. The work is the intellectual property of the author, is available solely for the enjoyment of Henneth Annûn Story Archive readers, and may not be copied or redistributed by any means without the explicit written consent of the author.