61. Of Ferry God Mother and Very Evil Plots
“You saved me!” he exclaimed. “I've been pounding on the walls forever!”
“You?” Lina asked, feeling completely confused. She thought for sure it had been Sauron or Morgoth or at least an Uruk-hai. Someone evil.
“Have no one noticed me missing?”
“Eh… No,” Lina replied. “You don't really have any lusters who would miss you.”
The hobbit looked down-cast for a moment, then brightened. “You know, I think I'm glad for that.”
Lina shared his smile, then looked around. “Someone locked you in here to drive Miss Cam mad?”
“Cruelly so, too. The monster left food, but no pipe weed or mushrooms!”
“A vile crime. Do you happen to know who locked you in here?”
Lotho shook his head, walking out and sniffing the air. “Do you happen to know if there is anything left from second breakfast?”
“They took everything to the ferry picnic, I think,” Lina replied absentmindedly, then froze. The staff exertion! That was today! Of course! A perfect time to strike, all the staff gathered and with Miss Cam not there to keep the mini-Balrogs in line and the minis themselves more into chasing each other these days…
“Gimli!” Lina exclaimed. He'd be crushed in the stampede trying to protect Legolas! She had to warn them!
She turned and ran, noticing that Faramir and Éowyn had left. They had probably headed for the lake, where the newest 'addition' to OFUM was being christened.
Ferry God Mother was the new lake ferry, brought on by the unfortunate confusion of 'fairy' and 'ferry' and a stark reminder to mind your homonyms. It was the perfect way for the staff to get away some and worry less about stampedes.
Lina ran like the wind, but as she leapt out into the brilliant sunlight, she saw that a group of fangirls was already heading for the lake. She recognised some from the library earlier that morning.
Where were the minis, blasted fiery demons? Sure, you tripped over them every morning, but where were they when they were needed?
“They're really unprotected,” Lina heard Danielle exclaim, “and with our man steering the boat… At last! LEGOLAS!”
Crap, crap, crap… Lina could see the boat beginning to steer against the gathered group of students, it looked like Wormtongue was the captain. Of course. That no-gooder would accept bribes from anyone. He locked in Lotho, which caused Miss Cam to get no sleep, which caused security to lax and with the other security measures busy elsewhere…. Not a bad plan, Lina had to admit.
Ferry God Mother was by the shore now and the students were ready to jump on board.
“HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!” the icy voice of Miss Cam boomed. Lina turned to see the course co-ordinator come stalking up, looking tired *and* mad.
A few students halted, but some had already jumped on board – and screamed.
“SPIDERS! AAAAAAAAAAAAAH! The ferry's full of spiders!”
There was some snickering and to her surprise Lina noted it came from the roof. She looked up to see the whole staff camped up there, looking like they were having a very nice picnic.
“They never, ever learn,” Miss Cam said, rolling her eyes.
“But… You… They…” Lina muttered, trying to piece it together.
“They tried to distract me by this 'evil neighbour', yes,” Miss Cam replied. “It might have worked, except tired only makes me more testy. And they tried to bribe evil. The thing about bribing evil is – it has no loyalty. Evil always sells you out. Honestly, haven't Sauron and Morgoth taught you anything?”
“But why this charade then?”
“To catch all of the culprits, of course. And I really am bloody tired. The best deceptions are rooted in the truth” She lifted her voice. “DETENTION! All of you over there! You're all on grooming duty for Ungoliant and Shelob! Then you have washing duties for the Uruk-hai and their underwear better be so clean it shines through their clothes! Then you are all to pet Gollum and give him a pedicure individually! And then you will ALL have lust object pictures burned and replaced with PlayEnt of the Millenium and EvilBacheor of the Decade, as well as HidiousMinion of Today. And students? You will hang them on your walls where they can be seen every day.”
The student gathering whimpered slightly.
“And then Miss Dwimordene takes over your detention duties. Now, I am going to sleep. And unless I get my sleep, you will *really* regret it.”
Miss Cam began stalking back and Lina ran after, quickly scouting the roof for Gimli. He was there all right, helping Aragorn to take polaroids.
“Why didn't you let Lotho out then?” she asked, out of breath.
“A little mushroom-absence won't hurt him. Besides, if you bought it, we knew the student conspiracy group would. Now excuse me, I plan to sleep. If anyone wakes me, expect pain.”
Miss Cam slammed the door to her room, leaving Lina to shake her head in the hall. She almost pitied the conspiring students. Almost.
She smiled. At least she could track down AW and Jason and demand the 'Dwarves: Tickle Their Beard, Tickle Their Fancy' book from them now. She had done her part, even if it had been unnecessary. And afterwards, perhaps she'd get up on the roof and have that talk with Gimli. It wouldn't go away by ignoring it.
“Where is Miss Cam?” Rabagast demanded, coming sweeping in. “That idiot brother of mine told me to be on Ferry God Mother and forgot to tell me the real meeting place was the roof. Do you know how clingy spiders are?! I think I have been molested! I wish to complain!”
“She's in her room, but I wouldn't…” Lina began, but Rabagast paid her no heed and slammed the door to Miss Cam's room open.
There was a brief snarl, a flash of light and then smoke.
“Go in there,” Lina finished lamely, regarding the pile of white dust in the doorway.
And thus ended Rabagast, the evil twin of Radagast.
Everyone of course said he would be deeply missed. It wasn't really a lie. The spiders erected a statue in his memory, but like all cobwebs, it was eventually swept away.
All things end. And the end of this class of OFUM students was swiftly drawing near.
This is a work of fan fiction, written because the author has an abiding love for the works of J R R Tolkien. The characters, settings, places, and languages used in this work are the property of the Tolkien Estate, Tolkien Enterprises, and possibly New Line Cinema, except for certain original characters who belong to the author of the said work. The author will not receive any money or other remuneration for presenting the work on this archive site. The work is the intellectual property of the author, is available solely for the enjoyment of Henneth Annûn Story Archive readers, and may not be copied or redistributed by any means without the explicit written consent of the author.