1. In which the Sues are set loose
Elrond was a good tailor, and also, said some, quite handsome. Naturally, the latter being the most important, these qualities had turned Elrond into a rather popular elf. It had also turned him into a rather rich elf.
But Rivendell was not, as you might think, occupied by fair maidens trying to capture Elrond’s heart. It was instead being occupied by fair men. Oh, don’t get me wrong here, there were some fair maidens also, swooning whenever they’d see Elrond, or drawing their breath deeply when his hand accidentally would touch theirs, as they handed him money for his excellent handicraft. Dresses, that is. And occasionally a coat. Sometimes even a purse, though that was rare.
Alas, no, it was not for Elrond’s sake the young brave men had come to Rivendell. (Though some might have. But most hadn’t.) No, for you see, Elrond had 101 daughters. Fair to the eye were they all, hair as bright as the sun, or as dark as the night, and most colors in between as well. Each and every one of them had eyes which could persuade a man to do anything; clean the bathroom, move the sofa, feed their ego, pay the bills... you name it. Oh, and sex, of course.
Their perfect bodies would always be presented in the most flattering manner, and considering that their father was the Tailor of Middle Earth, that wasn’t very strange. Every man-like creature, be it elf or dwarf, Maia or Nazgúl, hobbit or even the Dark Lord himself, would crawl on his belly through Mordor to please these women. Just one look at one of Elrond’s daughters and their beautiful clothes, or sometimes the absence of beautiful clothes, was indeed enough to enslave a man. (Or woman. Not that they were into that kind of thing. Not at all. I’m just saying.)
Well, to be brief, they were gorgeous.
Pity then that they were all so damned annoying. A man who was chosen by one of Elrond’s daughters would do everything but actually die out of pure happiness. His thoughts would get dim and his speech go daft. He would follow the girl around like a puppy, which was all rather sad. Sometimes though, a light would glimmer in his mind. In this light he would see his girlfriend for the demanding, dull, two-dimensional creature she really was. Alas, how brief these moments of enlightenment would be. A single word from the lady, and he would be under her charms again.
No, the daughters of Elrond sure as hell weren’t nice. 101 they were in number, and they all had names. Pretty names, I assure you. Would you like me to tell them all?
No. None of us would be happy if I did, would we. Instead, we’ll just call them... The Mary Sues.
However, as time went on with its business and the girls grew, so did their habits; that is to say, there was hardly a man to be found in or near Rivendell nowadays who didn’t suffer from a broken heart. This meant, for instance, that several good Rangers failed to do their duty and watch as they’d been set to do, simply because they had urgent appointments with their psychologists instead. And in the Last Sewing House, where the elves had once sung out of joy and happiness, Elrond was having a serious problem. Insomnia. This was because of all the ballads which were sung to praise his daughters, but also because of the fights which would be the result when several suitors had chosen the same girl to be The One of their hearts.
This could not go on. Elrond decided that something must be done. This was the morning after a particularly noisy night, during which he finally had been forced to stuff cotton into his delicate pointy ears to get any sleep at all. Not that it had helped much, though. He looked quite tired as he summoned his daughters for a family meeting that morning. But, because he was an elf, he looked tired in a very elegant manner.
“Dear Daughters,” said Elrond, looking around at his offspring. And he had to admit that, even though he had to squint not to get blinded by the way some girls’ hair would shine in the morning sun, he did not feel as proud of his daughters as he had wished.
“You are all now young women, and I have raised you all as well as I could,” he continued. But he thought to himself; “I wish indeed that I had taken that offer and sent them all off to boarding schools while I still had the chance!”
“However, I find now that I can’t keep you all here. There is a world out there waiting to be explored... (And may Eru forgive me for sending this upon that poor world)”
By now, some of the girls looked slightly interested. Not at all as interested as they would have been if he would have told them that he was about to get cable-TV installed, but still interested.
“And I wish you all to go out into that world and to seek your luck! It would be great, in fact, if you all wanted to leave today! I wouldn’t mind! Not at all! (Sweet Eru, I really do need to get some sleep!) Not the kind of daddy who watches over his daughters and won’t let them see the world, me!”
But to Elrond’s disappointment, none of the girls seemed to take this as an exhortation. Instead, they seemed to have lost interest somewhere mid-sentence. Probably because the sentence hadn’t contained any announcements of new dresses being made. Or announcements of new young men having arrived... wait, that was it, was it not? And maybe... an idea as brilliant as it was simple hit Elrond hard in the head, leaving a cruel smile on his lips. “Let’s see how you like this one,” he thought.
“And because of all the gorgeous yet dangerous and quite thrilling men out there in the world,” he said, noting with satisfaction that nearly every girl’s attention was caught for sure this time.
“I will strongly recommend that you all stay here, in our safe though somewhat boring home. I insist that you all stay here. I forbid, you hear that, I forbid any attempt of running away from home and meeting handsome strangers and getting into wonderful adventures. You all got that? Fine! Good day!” Elrond exclaimed, and trotted off. Hiding behind a pillar, he then overheard the following conversation:
“What? He can’t do that! He can’t stop us from going on wonderful adventures!” cried one Mary Sue, her eyes changing from blue to purple as she raged.
“And all the handsome strangers just waiting for us to be their luck! What gives him the right to stop us?!” wailed another.
“He is like, the meanest daddy ever!” whined a young maiden with hair as pale as moonlight.
“Well, he won’t stop me! I’m sure up for some adventures!” said the one who’d spoken first, adjusting her dress.
“And some men!” answered the girl next to her. This seemed to be a signal of some sort.
“Yeah, don’t forget about the men!”
“Like, duh, who would, anyway?!”
“I wanna get at least five!”
And as one, the Mary Sues broke up and spread out, each one heading towards her room to pack.
Behind the pillar, Elrond sniggered.
That night, a tense silence filled Rivendell. Some of the girls had simply sneaked away during the day, riding off in a nonchalant manner, as if they went out on horseback every day. Which, in fact, most of them did. But none of them seemed to realize this anymore. However, most girls had waited for darkness to come. Presumably because a really dramatic flight can’t be performed other than by night. And as darkness came, muffled voices and various mysterious sounds were heard as the Mary Sues sneaked out and ran off.
It was all over by midnight. Some went by themselves, some together. Some went in the company of men who adored them, because those guys tend to come in handy in adventures.
Elrond the Tailor snored happily in his bed. The moon and the stars watched over him. And possibly, the Valar watched him, too, and watched the horror which he and he alone had released upon Middle Earth.
And the Mary Sues poured out of Rivendell, and into the night.
"The 101 Dalmatians" belongs to Disney.
This is a work of fan fiction, written because the author has an abiding love for the works of J R R Tolkien. The characters, settings, places, and languages used in this work are the property of the Tolkien Estate, Tolkien Enterprises, and possibly New Line Cinema, except for certain original characters who belong to the author of the said work. The author will not receive any money or other remuneration for presenting the work on this archive site. The work is the intellectual property of the author, is available solely for the enjoyment of Henneth Annûn Story Archive readers, and may not be copied or redistributed by any means without the explicit written consent of the author.