9. EXTRAS: NOT A REAL CHAPTER
Chapter One: Infodump
Gondolin: *Is shiny.*
Maeglin (squinting): I hate this city and all its names, but I love my dead mother and my blonde cousin, not necessarily in that order. I clearly need help--with my marriage plans, that is. Yo, Ecthelion!
Glorfindel: Do you mind? Ecthelion and I were getting busy. But I suppose we can meet again tomorrow. At two pm. In my room. *Exits, looking exactly as blond as Idril.*
Sexual tension: *Leaves as well.*
Maeglin: All right. Well, Ecthelion... Let me blather on a bit about the desire for marriage, the laws and customs of the Eldar, and the complete nonexistence of any lasting, formal relationship between friends such as Fingon and Maedhros.
Ecthelion: Could you get to the point, please? You are touching on all my issues in a deeply ironic way.
Maeglin: The point? *Mumbles, looks around.* Ai! What are these blonde hairs doing here?
Ecthelion: *Crosses fingers.* There is a perfectly logical explanation for their presence, and it does not involve any hot gay sex whatsoever.
Maeglin: Stop talking nonsense! I saw you cross your fingers! The hair is Idril's and you know it!
Ecthelion: Idril's? Oh yes. *Nods furiously.*
Maeglin: Well, if you are after my cousin, then I will vow to stop you by any means necessary.
Ominous music: *Plays*
Gondolin: *Remains shiny.*
Chapter Two: An Excuse For Writing Sex Badly
Maeglin: Yo, Salgant! Get over here! I need to discredit Ecthelion so he cannot marry my cousin.
Salgant: Your cousin? Typical. Yes, well, slandering people who are taller, fitter, and more talented than me is what I do best.
Maeglin: Whatever. Listen to me, underling. Ecthelion and Glorfindel are about to have some sort of private meeting. At two pm. In
Glorfindel's rooms. Have I mentioned that my father used to lock me up in the closet? Here are some keys. Use them.
Salgant: Gosh, I am glad that I am smart enough to take a hint! *Hides under Glorfindel's table.*
Glorfindel & Ecthelion: *Come in and draw up some maps for the War Games.*
Salgant: *Yawns undertabledly.* I hate these war-mongering over-privileged jocks.
Glorfindel (to Ecthelion): I think you should get rid of your old bed and get a new one.
Ecthelion: Well, I don't. Hey, why do you have all this straight porn?
Glorfindel: It's educational. Now let me distract you by suggesting that we involve more gym equipment in our sex life.
Ecthelion: *Is distracted.*
Porny music: *Begins to play.*
Glorfindel & Ecthelion: *Perform unspecified sexual acts*
Salgant: *Freaks out quietly, then escapes, taking one of the maps with him.*
Salgant: I have knowledge! Knowledge is POWER! Now, what should I do with it? I'm certainly not sharing it with Maeglin; no, it is mine, my precious... Well, apart from this map, which I am going to give to him to do as he likes with.
Ominous music: *Plays again*
Chapter Three: Fun With an Unusually Optimistic Narrator
Glorfindel (to his recruits): You know, real warriors quite like to steal and destroy officers' beds.
Salgant: Chairs, not beds. Anyway, hello, dear childhood friend--or rather, hello, unnatural pervert!
Glorfindel: Mmm, unnatural perversion... Incidentally, not that I am admitting to anything, but what do you want from me?
Salgant: I want you to stop being such an insufferable jock, and also to convince Idril to treat Maeglin more kindly.
Glorfindel: Foul blackmailer, I will never agree to your vile-- Wait a moment, that sounds quite reasonable, actually. You're on. For now.
Salgant: *Is replaced by Ecthelion.*
Ecthelion: Glorfindel, about the het porn I found in your room...
Glorfindel: Excuse me while I awkwardly change the subject! In a brilliant move calculated to keep our relationship secure, I am now going to avoid all physical contact with you, tell you an obvious pack of lies, and weasel out of meeting you in private.
Ecthelion: Well, at least you're not dating women.
Glorfindel: Oh, have I forgotten to mention that I am meeting Idril later?
Ecthelion: Excuse me. I have to go off and angst in silence now.
Random transition: *Happens.*
Idril: Hello, Glorfindel. Time for some War Games-related exposition! You have just given me some envelopes with the teams' starting locations; I will be handing them out at a party tomorrow. Anything else?
Glorfindel: Well, yes: would you consider being nicer to your cousin?
Idril: No. He has been trying to seduce me with bad poetry and anecdotes about animal breeding. Actually, would you mind helping me be meaner to him by escorting me to tomorrow's party?
Glorfindel: You have a date! I am sure I can make both Salgant and Ecthelion understand.
Idril (aside): Yes, I have noticed that you are rather fond of Ecthelion.
Glorfindel: *Goes home, draws some gay porn, and takes it to bed with him.*
Glorfindel: Mmm, unnatural perversion.
Chapter Four: Seven Short Conversations With Ecthelion
Conversation One: The Seeds of Suspicion Are Sown.
Ecthelion: I am late to this party because someone has dumped Duilin's favourite chair in a fountain.
Egalmoth: An interesting piece of gossip. Speaking of gossip, Idril and Maeglin sure seem to dislike each other. They are clearly involved in a power struggle. Guess Glorfindel is taking her side, hmm?
Idril and Glorfindel: *Look cute together.*
Ecthelion (and Maeglin): *Glower.*
Conversation Two: A Random Citizen Feeds The Suspicions.
Pengolodh: Yes, Orcish grammar sure is fascinating. Now, don't Glorfindel and Idril look cute together?
Ecthelion: *Angsts silently.*
Conversation Three: Glorfindel Is Not Helping.
Glorfindel: Ecthelion, I want to talk to you...
Ecthelion: Good. I--
Glorfindel: ...yes, I need you to take care of my date. Bye!
Conversation Four: Ironic Miscommunication Makes Things Worse.
Idril: Please, do try to be kind to Glorfindel if he decides to discuss romantic love with you. Nudge nudge, wink wink.
Ecthelion: I just cannot bring myself to respond to these obvious hints that Idril and Glorfindel are about to get engaged.
Conversation Five: Salgant Is a Wart
Salgant: So, Glorfindel and Idril look cute together. That must make you really happy for your friend, hmm?
Ecthelion: Thanks for reminding me of My Duty. Yes, I am very happy for him. So happy I feel like singing.
Salgant: *Leaves in confusion.*
Ecthelion: *Angsts like a champion.*
Glorfindel: So, Ecthelion, I guess Salgant told you everything.
Ecthelion: Yes, and I don't want to talk about it now. Goodbye.
Ecthelion and Glorfindel: Well, that sure was a horrible way to get
Conversation Seven: At Last, a Distraction.
Elemmakil: Somebody is trying to make it look as if you've fixed the War Games!
Chapter Five: Perversions, Real and Imagined
Salgant: I would love to blackmail Glorfindel some more.
Glorfindel: *Conveniently appears.* You bastard! You framed Ecthelion!
Salgant: Well, technically it was not me, not that you're likely to believe me. But at least I am not a pervert!
Glorfindel: If only I knew that you spend your time spying on other people's superior sex lives, I could say something more cutting than "I am not a pervert either."
Salgant: Let us see what others think. Hey, Egalmoth! Listen to this! *Plays oddly rhymeless song about hot gay sex.*
Egalmoth: Hot gay sex? Ugh. Good thing a song is not exactly firm evidence. Now let me give you some concrit.
Salgant: Well, that was disappointing. I'd better spy on Glorfindel some more. *Squeezes self behind a statue.*
Idril and Glorfindel: *Discuss some ambiguous problem to do with Ecthelion.*
Salgant: *Jumps to a perverse conclusion.*
Glorfindel: Maeglin's coming. I guess I'll take my leave of Idril in a dashingly romantic manner that will be observed by half the city.
Maeglin: So, Idril, I know all about Ecthelion's courtship of you.
Idril: What? Oh, poor Glorfindel. Anyway, my love life is none of your business!
Maeglin: But yes, it is, because... I love you and want you to have my babies! After all, you are not quite as similar to me genetically as my mother, but still pretty close. Also, eugenics rocks.
Salgant: *Jumps to a perverse conclusion, this time correctly.*
Maeglin: Let me prove my affections by reciting a heartfelt poem I wrote.
Idril: Ick! This incestuous lust is bad enough, but adolescent poetry is the worst. *Flees.*
Salgant: The King must learn of all this perversion! But first, I must find evidence. I will start at Ecthelion's house.
Some Random Guards: *Stop messing around with Ecthelion's bed and run away.*
Salgant: *Jumps to yet another perverse conclusion. Whimpers.*
Chapter Six: Good News For Those Readers Who Are Sick of All The Misunderstandings.
Glorfindel: Hey, Ecthelion! I think recalling the Fountain team is a bad idea, and so does Idril.
Ecthelion: Idril? Every time I hear that name, I die a little inside. Anyway, I stand behind my decision to reca— Wow, your hair sure is shiny. I'll do whatever you want.
Egalmoth: *Pops into chapter, together with a bunch of sulking painty Elves.*
Egalmoth: I am popping into this chapter to provide some War Games exposition, mention that Salgant has been breaking into people's houses, and teach Glorfindel a really terrible pickup line. Eru, I certainly am useful, both as a friend and as a minor character.
Egalmoth: *Pops out of chapter. Takes Elves with him.*
Ecthelion: The team of the Swallow is missing, and the stress is slowly driving me crazy.
Glorfindel: *Is supportive. Does not fail to mention Idril.*
Ecthelion: *Dies a little inside.*
Random Harp Guard: *Shows up randomly.*
R.H.G.: So, er, I thought I would tell you two that Lord Salgant is blackmailing you. And ask you whether you know any other gay guys you could set me up with. And cruise Ecthelion.
Glorfindel: Not that I am the jealous type or anything, but I am going to throw you out now.
Duilin: *Replaces R.H.G.*
Duilin: I have come to ask about the Swallows. And to sing this: Glorfindel and Idril, sitting in a tree, K.I.S.—
Ecthelion: I am too repressed to throw Duilin out. I think I will drive him away instead,
Glorfindel: So. Let us talk about our threatened relationship.
Ecthelion: Relationship? What relationship?
Glorfindel: Why am I even trying to use logic here? *Kisses Ecthelion.*
Ecthelion: *Responds* No, wait! This is wrong! You're an engaged man!
Their enormous misunderstanding: Is finally resolved.
Sappy stuff: *Gets said, although it is carefully concealed under various martial metaphors.*
Orcs: *Are mentioned.*
Glorfindel: So, what should we do about the blackmail?
Ecthelion: I believe duty bids us give up on our threatened relationship.
Glorfindel: But... we are about to die! Why not have some fun first?
Ecthelion: That is a terrible pickup line, and yet I find it strangely effective.
Some Swallow Men (From a pit. Pitifully.): Help! The Moles have trapped us here!
Ecthelion: That reminds me: we could ask Maeglin for help.
To Idril, from an Admirer, an Appeal
Oh noble, proud and sweet Idril
Though your fair hair my heart does thrill,
Your coldness is a bitter pill.
At times it makes me feel quite ill.
Your words so chill anneal my will,
So once again I fill my quill
In hopes of gaining your goodwill
With a display of poet's skill.
Now like a dwarf with a rock drill
I'll work with endless zeal until
I reach the ruby that is your heart
And from then on we'll never part.
To Idril, A Second Appeal
Pure gold is prized because it's rare.
Pure gold, the colour of your hair.
Rare also is the blood we share:
Our lineage is beyond compare.
Each time we meet I walk on air,
And yet when I my love declare,
You answer with an angry glare.
Your words so sharp my heart do tear
And maul it like an angry bear
To leave me sobbing with despair.
Yet still I dare to hope you care,
Since we would make such a great pair.
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