Adverts of Middle Earth
Rated 15s (R) for bad language and shower scenes
Disclaimer: LotR characters belong to J.R.R Tolkien. Any original adverts ripped off – er, paid tribute to – were all thought up by extremely creative people (don’t sue) who aren’t me.
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And now on with the ads!
(Arwen, clad in black cloak and hood, walks mournfully through a bleak forest.)
Are you Elfkind? Married a Mortal? (Arwen stops beside Aragorn’s tomb and kneels beside it. She strokes the marble statue of Aragorn lovingly on the forehead.)
Lonely now he’s dead?
(Arwen turns to the camera and nods sadly.)
Well don’t come crying to ME! I wanted you to take the ship to Valinor, but would you listen? (Arwen is stunned.)
No, YOU knew better! Oh, you’re just like your mother! “Don’t borrow my tiaras, Elrond! Don’t be so effeminate around the twins, Elrond!” You make me SICK!
It’s your own fault, you silly bitch!
(Cursed, decrepit Théoden is sitting on his throne in a dark room. A light shines on him from above.)
Has a life of regal excess left you a little worse for wear?
Has an evil wizard possessed you in order to get his clutches on your kingdom?
Well don’t despair! (pops into shot)
The Istari Detox Programme will have you feeling like your old self in no time.
(He waves his hands around dramatically, then snaps his fingers. Théoden instantly transforms back into his blonde, butch, kingly self.)
Another satisfied customer. (holding staff in front of Théoden a lá microphone)
How do you feel?
(Théoden stares at the staff for a minute, then looks around. His confusion quickly turns to horror.)
Oh… no! Not this place again! (He tries to get up and discovers he’s lashed to the throne.)
Aaagh! Let me go, you freak!
(Gandalf takes a few swift sidesteps to the left. The camera follows him. To the right we can see Théoden trying desperately to gnaw through the rope around his wrist.)
Where’s my money, you tightarse?
Gandalf:(with forced smile)
The Istari Detox Programme! Because your relatives would rather see you in your burial mound than sitting there looking like this!
(The camera sweeps back to Théoden, who is once again cursed and decrepit. Saruman quickly scoots out of shot.)
(Shot of Gimli. He fills the screen.)
(Cut to Gimli standing next to a selection of fancy, coloured, elegant glass bottles, arranged on a shelf.)
Don’t waste your time with all that nancy Elven rubbish!
(He smacks the handle of his axe into the bottles, smashing the lot. Close-up of Gimli on his own.)
Gimli:(holding up a small rock)
Wash yourself with this rock, OR DIE A SISSY!
(Aragorn sits on a sofa, wearing the grottiest leathers imaginable. There’s a plate of Lembas bread on the coffee table in front of him.)
Aragorn:(in quasi-Irish accent from the first film)
There’s just so many things I can make with it. (counting on fingers)
Sandwiches… toast… (thinks for a moment)
(He turns to the camera on his right.)
I buy nothing else. Literally. It’s great when the girls come round.
(Close-up of the plate of Lembas bread.)
Lembas bread. Can’t live without it.
(Back to Aragorn.)
And they will come round.
(Frodo, Merry and Pippin are all standing behind a fast food counter with adorable little uniforms and hats on. Sam is in the background, cooking.)
Come to BBT&G’s for the best fast food in all the Shire!
We’ve got all your favourites:
Rabbit on a stick…
A fish… thing…
And our house special: the Goat Box!
All served with chips – that’s chips, not fries!
We’ll be ’aving none o’ that foreign muck in my restaurant…
(Frodo casts an uneasy glance at Sam.)
Too busy to come down? No problem, we deliver! Just remember, if your food hasn’t arrived in thirty minutes –
- we’ve probably eaten it.
(Merry elbows Pippin sharply.)
Merry:(hisses to Frodo)
Get the banner!
(Frodo disappears under the counter and comes back up with a white banner with ‘BBT&G’s’ scrawled on it in red. The three hobbits hold it up.)
Who’s going to turn off the camera?
(Elrond is asleep in bed. The duvet covers his face. A shadow falls across the bed.)
Lord Elrond… I humbly ask for your daughter Arwen’s hand in marriage.
Elrond:(sleepily, waving him away)
Yes, yes… you have my blessing…
Not woken up yet?
(Cut to Elrond standing by the window with a cup of coffee. He takes a sip, then freezes, suddenly realising what just happened.)
Now you have! Kickstart YOUR day with Lothlorien Coffee!
(Aragorn flees down the path as Elrond chases him, yelling and brandishing a huge sword.)
(Théoden King steps into the shower and switches on the water. Cut to the White Tower in Minas Tirith, where Denethor is also taking a shower. Théoden looks around, then sees a bottle of orange shampoo. Denethor finds a bottle of green shampoo. Both of them start lathering the stuff into their hair. Then -)
Oh… yes… oh, yes…
Denethor:(closing eyes in pleasure)
Théoden:(pushing his hair back from his face)
Denethor:(sliding a hand down his belly – thankfully, the camera only shows him from the waist up)
Do it… oh, right there…
Yeah, baby! (makes tiger noises)
(Cut to the corridor outside the bathroom. Théodred, Éomer, and Éowyn are standing there, mouths open in horror at the sounds emanating from within.)
If YOU haven’t kept your Rivendell Orgasmic Hair Care Products away from your elderly relatives…
Théoden:(offscreen, in bathroom)
I’m a bad, bad, BAD king!
… then you’re going to need THERAPY! And lots of it!
(Cut to Boromir, pale and shaking, scuttling up to the palantir.)
Take it, wench!
(Boromir lets out a strangled yelp and starts dialling.)
Call White Hand Hypno-Therapy now on 1800-9483-4263, that’s 1800-WHTE-HAND, and book an appointment today! Our trained hypnotists will have you repressing those unpleasant memories in no time!
(Cut to Faramir standing in a brightly lit office, a strange, fake smile on his face.)
Thank you, White Hand Hypno-Therapy! All my bad thoughts are gone gone gone! (He holds up a large sack of gold.)
Have all my money!
(Grima shuffles in from the left, takes his arm, and drags him off.)
So remember, if YOU want to get rid of any unpleasant memories, fears, or demonic voices slowly driving you insane, just call 1800-WHTE-HAND and book an appointment today! Results guaranteed.
Grima:(voiceover, speaking quickly)
Patient may relapse several times.
(Black and white footage of Legolas, standing in a forest. The sun shines through the trees. He’s wearing nothing except a pair of white, silk briefs. A small breeze whispers through the leaves, and Legolas flicks his hair back with a toss of his head. The camera pans slowly up his legs, tummy, and chest. Legolas pouts at the camera. Abruptly the picture dissolves to a close-up of a bottle of perfume.)
‘Fangirl’, by Glorfindel. Sexy Elf not included.
This is a work of fan fiction, written because the author has an abiding love for the works of J R R Tolkien. The characters, settings, places, and languages used in this work are the property of the Tolkien Estate, Tolkien Enterprises, and possibly New Line Cinema, except for certain original characters who belong to the author of the said work. The author will not receive any money or other remuneration for presenting the work on this archive site. The work is the intellectual property of the author, is available solely for the enjoyment of Henneth Annûn Story Archive readers, and may not be copied or redistributed by any means without the explicit written consent of the author.