The Pan-Universal Sex God Convention: 1. The Speedo Rule

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1. The Speedo Rule


Aragorn held his head in his hands.  He had enough to do today without answering letters from everybody he did and didn't know.  And Arwen was pregnant.  Again.  Which meant lots of chili peppers and even more peanut butter.  She wouldn't let him touch her, either.  He sighed and said "Come in!"  Instead of the usual messenger, Aragorn was hit full force in the face by an enourmous...

"...Bloody owl!  What's that doing here?  With a letter?"  Faramir massaged his sore scalp.  The raptor dropped its letter on to p of the latest plans for a trans-kingdom pizza delivery network.  Yes, it was somewhat nw age, but oh well.  He opened the letter and began to read.  "Dear Faramir:  You have been..."

"...Cordially invited to the Pan-Universal Sex God Convention."  Legolas blanched.  "That's the fourth time this week!"  Mary sue, now on about five months with kid number twelve, called from the parlor.  "No, you dolt.  The other three were from Fangirls.  Now get me a beer, it's halftime!"

"You can't drink, you're pregnant!"

"You whore!"  Legolas dusted his apron off and returned to the letter.  "Let's see... It will be held..."

" random moor 31b, England, Potterverse.  On December 4th.  Elrond, Elladan, and Elrond sat gobstruck.  "We've never been invited to a sex god convention before!  This will be just super!"  Elrond's eyebrows began to dance out of excitement.  Elladan turned back to the letter as Elrohir went for the botox gun.  "Life optional..."

"...Your original body will be returned to you at the gate, minus wounds, etc.  Well, that's fucking fantastic, but where's Potterverse?"  Boromir's ghost swished aroun an old cottage.  "I don't suppose I'll need to pack, then.  Hopefully I'll get clothes."  He returned to the letter.  "Please..."

"...No speedos, skin-tight leather, or open allegiance to any dark lord who might decide to interrupt our convention.  I knew they'd find a wat to thwart us, Draco."  Lucius Malfoy hissed.  "You mean about the death eater thing, or about those matching speedos that Crabbe, Goyle, Severus and I had?"

"I thought we vowed never to discuss those ever again!"  Shouted snape from downstairs.

This is a work of fan fiction, written because the author has an abiding love for the works of J R R Tolkien. The characters, settings, places, and languages used in this work are the property of the Tolkien Estate, Tolkien Enterprises, and possibly New Line Cinema, except for certain original characters who belong to the author of the said work. The author will not receive any money or other remuneration for presenting the work on this archive site. The work is the intellectual property of the author, is available solely for the enjoyment of Henneth Annûn Story Archive readers, and may not be copied or redistributed by any means without the explicit written consent of the author.

Story Information

Author: meluiel

Status: General

Completion: Ongoing Serial

Era: Other

Genre: Humor

Rating: Adult

Last Updated: 11/29/05

Original Post: 11/29/05

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