Elladan's Biograph Script: 12. The Elladan Show: 1

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12. The Elladan Show: 1

 July 1st

To sum things up and quickly gloss over the events of the past few months, the war against Mordor is now over and the One Ring has been destroyed. Everyone is in Minas Tirith for the wedding tomorrow. Arwen is here (of course), along with Dad, Glorfindel, Aralindë, Erestor, Grandma, and Grandpa. Aragorn is the King of Gondor now. There is serious talk of moving to Valinor. It's all incredibly strange. Really, the only one I can count on to behave in a familiar way is Elrohir. Which isn't saying much. I think my life may have taken a turn for the worse now that I have to rely on Elrohir's talking to the iguana as a sign of homey comfort.

I spent most of today helping Arwen, who is this close to having a stress overload, do last-minute weddingy preparations like decide how the napkins should be folded (fans or swans?) and choose whether to have confetti or bubbles. Aragorn chose bubbles. Then it was my job to keep her from noticing that the bubbles Aragorn chose were "Party Blow" brand. The label sticker made Legolas and Elrohir giggle girlishly. I also had to take grandpa to the nearest mall and help him pick out shoes. He was looking for something along the lines of "a nice type of shoe [he] could wear to Arwen's wedding, and perhaps to have supper with Elrond, and then also maybe to wear on the plane to Valannor." Unfortunately none of the shops had shoes for those specific purposes, so he ended up just buying brown lace-ups that look exactly like his old shoes.

So now all that's left to do is organise my outfit for tomorrow. I was really hoping that I'd be able to go out and buy something new and classy, but unfortunately dad had the annoying foresight to bring stupid formal Elf clothes for Elrohir and me. I tried pleading with him that nobody wears those dumb outfits any more, and that even Glorfindel would probably be wearing one of his of rayon suits. But dad said no, Glorfindel was wearing some fancy new Vanya costume that Aralindë made, and that the least I could do was get dressed up and look nice for one day for my sister's wedding. Noldo costume it is, then. I can't wait to get to Valinor and prove to him that nobody ever wears these lame robes any more. I have seen satellite telly from Tirion. They all wear regular trousers and shirts like everybody else. I distinctly remember that Finarfin was wearing a button-up coat and tie for his Arfiommereth speech last year, not some ugly velvet drapey thing.

July 3rd

After some fuss and much bother, Arwen and Aragorn were married yesterday. There were even television crews live on location to broadcast the event all over Middle-earth. I hope they show it in Valinor, too. This seems like the sort of thing that mum would probably want to see.

I woke up yesterday morning to the sound of Arwen and dad arguing. Dad has the hotel room next to mine, so I could hear clearly through the wall. Arwen was whining on about how she was sure Elrohir was going to wreck something somehow. Dad was telling her she should have faith in him, and that he wouldn't do anything deliberately, but Arwen ended with, "Well it's my wedding and I don't want him ruining things!" Ten minutes later dad came into my room. He put me in charge of minding Elrohir. He said, "I know Elrohir means well, but sometimes trouble just happens." And he's right. Trouble is attracted to Elrohir like tornadoes to trailer parks. So I was put in charge of pre-emptive strikes against said trouble. He gave me strict instructions that the iguana was not to attend the ceremony, supper, or reception.

I took Elrohir for a walk about the hotel to try to work off some energy. I let him bring the iguana to try to get all of the day's iguana-handling out of his system. I suppose it was my job to make sure he didn't impale all the complimentary Gummi Bears on the complimentary almonds, but I did let him act out a few gruesome Gummi Bear deaths to get that out of his system too. Then I ushered him out of the banquet hall and let him amuse himself by taping "OUT OF ORDER" signs on all the hotel's Coke machines.

At noon it was time to change into our dumb-looking Elf clothes and help Aragorn get dressed in his equally dumb-looking Númenórean clothes for the ceremony. He was rather on-edge and ornery. I blame that on the fact that he'd had nothing to drink or smoke in the past week, for fear of not being able to perform on his wedding night. Then I forced Elrohir to say goodbye to the iguana and stick it in the bathroom for safekeeping, and we all went down to the lobby where the guests and television crews were waiting. The place looked rather like it had exploded with flowers, ribbons, and tulle. My guess is that Arwen did the decoration design herself. We found Legolas standing forlornly in the middle of the aisle, wondering whether he should sit on the bride's side or the groom's side, since although he was Aragorn's friend, he had also dated Arwen very briefly back in December. He and Elrohir eventually decided to compromise by sitting beside dad for a while, then getting up and switching to the other side halfway through. I sat beside dad on Arwen's side and pretended I didn't know them.

Arwen sniffled throughout the entire ceremony. She's lucky she was wearing waterproof makeup. Long speeches were given, rings were exchanged, she and Aragorn kissed, and lo and behold, they were married. Half the women in attendance looked misty-eyed and dreamy. Half the men looked bored out of their minds. Elrohir fidgeted. Frodo fell asleep. But it eventually ended, and we were allowed to go back to our rooms for an hour to freshen up before the supper. I shed my Elf robes gladly at that point. So did Elrohir and Glorfindel, and even grandma, I noticed when we got to the banquet hall. In fact, only dad, Arwen and Aragorn were left in their fancy outfits.

After many long speeches and toasts and kisses between the newlyweds, we finally got to eat. Then there was a dance. A cheesy band played top stereotypical hits of the ages while old people shuffled around the floor with drinks and pastries in their hands. I had to dance with Elrohir, then Legolas, then Arwen, then Elrohir again, then Merry and Pippin at the same time, then Aralindë (who caught Arwen's bouquet and refused to let it go), then Legolas again, then grandma (twice). Then I sat down and had a drink with dad while watching others. The whole thing went on for hours until gradually the guests started to leave. At this point grandpa was starting to look a bit exhausted. Unfortunately, grandma and Glorfindel were busy doing some wild swing dancing (from the looks of the dance floor they were the only ones who knew how to do it properly) and he didn't want to leave without her. So I took him to the lobby café for a cup of coffee to keep him awake.

Three cups of coffee and a gradpaesque rant about changing times later, we were back in the banquet hall. Less than a third of the guests were still around, Arwen was handing out pieces of cake to those who were leaving, and Elrohir and Legolas were politely trying to shake off a horde of young girls. The only thing missing was grandma and Glorfindel. This of course immediately sent warning bells ringing loudly, since I'd been watching them with a certain element of disgust all evening, drinking too much and touching each other inappropriately ever since Aralindë went to bed two hours earlier. So I sat grandpa down next to dad and told him to stay there while I went to do an emergency assessment of the situation.

I hurried up to the twelfth floor of the hotel and knocked on grandma's door hoping for the best. The worst was ascertained when Glorfindel, wearing nothing visible, opened the door just enough to peek out. I tried to remain calm when I asked him what in the world he was doing. He said, "Galadriel and I are having a conference." Still doing my best to be calm, I asked, "Glorfindel, did you have sex with my grandmother?" He paused a moment before saying, "Well yes, but-" I cut him off and said, "I don't want to hear it." Then I pulled the door shut and hurried back down the corridor. He opened the door again and, poking his head out, yelled, "I didn't do it tonight!"

So he has slept with grandma in the past! As if that's supposed to make things better! I ran to the lift in an attempt to hurry back to the banquet hall and prevent grandpa from coming upstairs and witnessing the scene, but as luck would have it he was just coming up as I was waiting to go down. I did my best to explain that we had to go back to the banquet hall for Arwen's sake because it was her special day and she wanted family to be there. He grumbled that he wanted to sleep. However, he was too tired to shove me out of the way, so we ended up going back down to the hall. I stuck him in the chicken dance circle, where Elrohir was teaching a group of children all the proper movements in the correct sequence. Then he danced for a while with Arwen, who kept on sniffling. I was able to keep him in the hall for another half hour before the band quit playing and the reception was officially over. Another twenty minutes was spent saying goodbye to the remaining guests. Then we all went up to the top floor. I bought all the remaining time I could by telling grandpa we had to escort Arwen and Aragorn to their room at the opposite end of the corridor, but that was it. Eventually I was forced to let him go to his own room.

I took the key and opened the door first, sincerely hoping that Glorfindel had found the decency to leave. I saw that the bed had been made up somewhat, and was almost relieved until I heard laughter coming from the bathroom. Grandma and Glorfindel were in the Jacuzzi (grandma was at least wearing a swimsuit, or at least a swimsuit top), sharing a joint and drinking champagne straight from the bottle. They smiled at us. Grandpa looked a bit confused. Glorfindel patted the edge of the tub and said to him, "Come on in, it's quite nice." I muttered to grandpa, "They're a bit mad, I think. You can stay in my room if you want." But grandpa only shook his head and sat down tiredly on the bathroom stool. Then grandma said, "Elladan, we have things to discuss with Celeborn. Would you mind?" I did not mind. In fact I was glad to leave the awkward scene. I hurried back down to my own room, where Elrohir, Legolas and Pippin (he is as much trouble as they are, I have come to realise) were innocently trying to figure out what the iguana's favourite food is. On my bedspread of all places. I'm not sure why they couldn't have done this in Elrohir's room, but oh well. They are good for a diversion, if nothing else.

I spent half the night, after cleaning mushy banana and cat food off the blankets, worrying about what grandma and Glorfindel are up to that requires having a talk with grandpa. Surely they're not expecting him to actually approve of their scandalous behaviour? I mean I know he spends an awful lot of time complaining that grandma is an insatiable nymphomaniac who ought to have four husbands instead of just one, but I don't think he's ever been really serious about it. And why can't grandma and Glorfindel go about having a regular secret affair like everybody else? Don't they have any respect for the sanity of others?!

I couldn't come up with any answers last night, nor this morning either when we all met for breakfast together. But grandpa was being unprecedentedly nice to Glorfindel, treating him like a respected business partner or something, so I'm starting to worry that maybe he wasn't really joking with all those "four husbands" comments. Though on the other hand Glorfindel had gone back to inappropriately touching Aralindë while touching grandma in a merely friendly manner, so I have no idea what's going on there. The four of them ended up deciding to go to the cinema together after breakfast, leaving me confused and annoyed. I might have to outright ask grandma or Glorfindel what the deal is tonight after the gift-opening supper since this being silently observant tactic is sure getting me nowhere.

July 4th

The gift opening last night was about as boring as any family gathering can possibly be. We all got to sit around and watch Arwen coo and sigh over silverware and wine crystal while Aragorn stood beside her in a way that indicated he was posing for potential photo opportunities. I never did get to ask grandma what was going on with Glorfindel, since she was too busy keeping grandpa under control. The lack of sleep from the previous night caught up with him around six, and he was stubborn and ornery from that point on. We were served salmon at the post-gift-opening supper, but all he wanted was a poached egg. He refused to eat anything else. Halfway through the supper I distinctly heard grandma hiss, "Oh for Valar's sake, Celeborn, quit moaning and eat your damn salmon!" He quit moaning, but from the look of his plate afterward he didn't eat a bite of the damn salmon. I decided it would be best just to leave them alone.

He stayed in his room all day today to recover, and grandma stayed with him. Glorfindel took Aralindë to the mall to buy new clothes. Yesterday when they went to the cinema she saw all the new summer fashions in the girly shops and was dead pleased to note that this summer, babydoll halter tops and incredibly low-rise jeans are in, meaning she won't have to buy actual maternity wear. I asked her if she thought this meant the fashion industry was catering to highschool pregnancy victims, but she only rolled her eyes and said, "As if! I graduated from highschool two weeks ago!"

July 5th

We had yet another family day today. The past five days have all been "family day". Really I'd be much happier if I were left to my own devices, but Arwen is milking this wedding nonsense for all it's worth and everyone is doing what she says. And today she announced we'd have a family outing to the Flamingo World Waterslide Park east of the city.

Now the thing is, Arwen doesn't even like waterslides. So I had no idea why she'd want to go to Flamingo World. Elrohir's always wanted to go on a family vacation to the Flamingo World near Mirkwood, but she's always vetoed that. I spent all morning wondering why she would want to go water sliding, and all the drive there, until we actually arrived and changed into our swimmers. And then, as we gathered on the deck, it dawned on me. Arwen only wanted to show off her new bikini. Preferably in an environment where Elrohir would be too distracted to think of snapping the straps every time she turned around.

Elrohir and Legolas, whom he'd brought along, immediately took off to discover trouble in one form or another. Aragorn stared after them wistfully as they sped off to the tube rental window, but remained standing dutifully beside Arwen. She suggested they go sit in the shallow pool, the one that's surrounded by flowers. He said, "Sure, that sounds like fun," though something in his voice told me he didn't mean it.

Dad put on his sunglasses and lay down on the nearest lounger. He was wearing a speedo. I was forced to inch away and pretend I didn't know him. Then Erestor lay down on the next lounger. He was wearing saggy old shorts and had a bad sock tan. I inched further away. But when Erestor covered his entire body from the ankles up with a towel and explained that he was going to try to get rid of his sock tan, I knew it was time to leave altogether. I didn't want to be around when little kids saw them and ended up having their childish fantasies of Elves being mysterious and exotic crushed forever.

I tried to escape to the refreshment hut, but Glorfindel and Aralindë were already there. And trying to get anyone's attention, even the bartender's, when Glorfindel is wearing a swimsuit is just not feasible. No matter where he goes, no matter what he's wearing, people will always stare at him. But when he's in his trendy surfer shorts, the attention is magnified to destructive proportions. I could stand there all day and yell, "Hey, I'm an Elf too, pay attention to me!" but it would do no good. So naturally I did not do that. I did, though, step away from the hut just in time to be grabbed by Elrohir and Legolas as they ran by. Elrohir yelled, "Comeonelladanweregoingtothe BIG slide!"

The big slide turned out to be the one that shoots you off a twelve foot drop at the end. I did not go on it a second time. Instead I went and sat in the hot tub. Then I went and sat in the shallow pool with Aragorn and Arwen. People were staring at her too, which made Aragorn both proud and smug at the same time. I didn't really care since the attention to her wasn't preventing me from ordering anything to drink. Eventually Elrohir and Legolas came to join us too, looking a bit waterlogged and exhausted. Then people stared at Legolas. I suppose he is hazardously attractive, in his own goofy sort of way. The people stared even more when he and Elrohir started acting strangely, poking each other with their noses and making peculiar high-pitched sounds. An innocent bystander asked me if they were displaying normal Elvish behaviour patterns. I had to assure her that no, they were just being idiots. Then Elrohir punched me in the shoulder and told me I was "wrecking the game".

Some hours later, after Elrohir got himself kicked out of the park for pantsing Legolas in the kiddie pool and then taking him down to the Lost and Found to file a report for lost dignity, Arwen decided it was time to leave. She was getting somewhat tired of the tabloid photographers and television news people crowding around. Apparently the King and Queen of Gondor going to a waterslide park is big news, and she didn't want images of Aragorn grabbing her chest to appear on national telly. So we went to collect dad and Erestor. If possible, they were looking slightly more embarrassing than when I left them. Dad had fallen asleep and had neglected to turn himself over, so he was sunburned pink on the front but still quite white on the back. And Erestor had gone in the pool, so his swimmers were wet, saggy and clingy, leaving very little to the imagination. I hurried them into the changeroom as quickly as possible so that they wouldn't be seen by Arwen's paparazzi followers.

The rest of the day was spent in my room by myself on the computer. I've had enough family days to last for a good long while now. Maybe if I tell them I'm suffering from an excitement overload they'll leave me alone and I won't be expected to go to Aragorn and Arwen's housewarming barbeque tomorrow.

July 6th

I had to go to the barbeque. It was a small casual affair combined hazardously with hot sunny weather. That meant some people decided they didn't have to wear shirts.

It's never the people you want to see shirtless who go walking about in only their cutoffs. No, it's always the embarrassing people. Dad, Erestor, Gandalf and Gimli come immediately to mind. From what I remember they all had shirts when they arrived at the barbeque, but somehow they shed their clothing partway through after everyone had been given a hamburger and a can of Kokanee. I sat on the patio steps and watched the festivities with a high level of disinterest. At some point Frodo, poking disinterestedly at a paper plate of coleslaw, came and sat next to me. He helped come up with a list of who of all people at the barbeque should be allowed to go shirtless, and who should not.

Arwen, Aralindë, grandma and Éowyn, we decided, should not go shirtless because they are girls and would cause a disastrous distraction. However, they might be allowed to wear bikini tops in non-public environments.

Elrohir, Legolas, Merry and Pippin could in theory go shirtless because, even though they are sort of skinny and pasty white, they have strange enough personalities to make the look work. A better fashion choice for them though might be just wearing a button-up shirt and keeping it unbuttoned. A few months ago Aragorn would have been able to go shirtless, because he was sort of surly and had the right attitude. But now he acts more like a politician, so he has to keep his clothes on. Same goes for Éomer.

Anyone with a full beard should not go shirtless ever. That means Gandalf and Gimli. They ought to remain covered at all times.

I don't know Faramir at all, so I couldn't make a call on this one. He looks fair enough, but Frodo assured me that while he's a nice fellow, he's not exactly cool. He sounds a lot like grandpa, actually, from Frodo's description. So he'd better keep his shirt on. Grandpa too. Frodo said Sam should be allowed to go shirtless, but I'm not sure why. Sam's sort of pudgy and looks to me like the sort that should stay dressed. But again it was Frodo's call, since I don't know Sam at all either.

Glorfindel is allowed to go shirtless. In fact, he should probably be shirtless all the time. Unfortunately, that's not the case; he's almost always fully dressed. Which is completely unfair. Here all the pasty white Noldor (and Sindar, who look rather like pale washed-out versions of Vanyar) have to actually work at getting a tan to look half decent in a swimsuit, while he can keep himself fully covered at all times and then emerge once or twice a year with his perfect golden skin to match his perfect golden hair. Now if that's not proof that Eru loves the Vanyar best, I don't know what is.

As mentioned above, the Noldor really do need a tan to look decent in swimsuits (or shorts). Erestor and dad are not tanned. Therefore they do not look decent in shorts. They ought to keep their shirts on. They don't, but they ought to. And I might look rather like them, but at least I have the sense to know that I am much better off when I keep my clothes on. Frodo thinks the same. Therefore, to save ourselves much potential embarrassment, we have made a pact not to go shirtless unless we are actually planning on going swimming. We briefly considered making up similar contracts for the others to sign as well, but that idea was tossed out when we realised we don't have a printer to hook up to my computer. Too bad.

July 7th

The madness seems to have ended. Arwen and Aragorn announced that they're having "alone time" today, so that rules out annoying family activities. Which is actually sort of fortunate, since I think everyone is pretty much sick of everyone else. Dad told us to all order room service for supper tonight in place of another family dining experience. I'm certainly not complaining about that. I'm perfectly happy to sit in my room and eat overpriced fishsticks while playing computer pinball.

July 8th

I ended up going over to Elrohir's room last night, since he buzzed me and said he'd ordered a pay-per-view horror movie. Legolas showed up as well. We all sat on Elrohir's bed eating room service chips and making fun of the crappy special effects. Then we somehow got into the contents of the minibar. Then Elrohir and Legolas had a burping contest. Then Elrohir got a pin stuck between his front teeth. Then I don't remember what happened, but I remember waking up this morning when dad came and knocked at the door. I was still in Elrohir's room, across the foot of the bed, with Legolas on the floor beside me and Elrohir sort of curled up in a nest made of all the blankets and pillows. My socks had disappeared.

Dad wanted to know if we were coming down for breakfast. I yelled "yes" through the door, but Elrohir and Legolas made grumpy tired noises so I changed my answer to a "no". We stayed as we were, flopped down after a night of drunken revelry, until about two. Then we watched a lame romantic comedy on pay-per-view while eating room service pizza. All in all, I think it was the best day so far.

July 9th

Legolas just asked me if I want to go to Red Lobster for supper tonight. Part of me is suspicious that he's up to something, but then common sense tells me he's not sneaky enough to be up to something. So I don't know what to do. If I go I'm certain that something odd will happen, but if I don't go I'll never find out what he might be up to. And Elrohir might be helping him with his plan, which means I really ought to be responsible and go, if only to stop them from destroying the restaurant in some capacity. I think I should go. Also, I like lobster, so that's always a plus.

July 10th

Legolas didn't seem to be up to anything. We went to Red Lobster (he drove, which surprised me: I didn't even think he knew how) and had a normal supper. The whole while I waited for something strange to happen, but nothing came. We arrived, sat down, ordered, talked about recent happenings, ate, and left. He didn't once mention MTV in the entire conversation. So either this One Ring-destroying heroism escapade had a positive and educational influence on his life, or he's been replaced by an android.

When we got back to the hotel, Elrohir was heading off somewhere with Merry and Pippin to try to find a box of Crisco (for the iguana, he said, as if that would explain anything), so I was left alone with Legolas again. We ended up sitting in the lobby, sipping fancy hotel drinks and having another conversation. It made me realise that I've had more conversations with Legolas in the past 24 hours than I ever considered possible. I suppose I always thought of him as less of a conversationalist and more of the type to randomly say nonsensical things at inappropriate times.

Then today he asked me if I wanted to go for ice cream tomorrow. I said yes, but mainly because I know Arwen's coming by the hotel to get dad to help her arrange wedding photos into an album and I have no desire to get roped into doing that. Sad as it sounds, I think I'd rather help Legolas make tough decisions like whether to choose regular or sugar cone, and sprinkles or chocolate sauce.

July 11th

Having ice cream with Legolas wasn't quite as bad as I thought it would be. He didn't "accidentally" trip and smush it into my shirt or take half a hour to decide on which flavour like Elrohir usually does. We just quickly picked up these ice cream drink things that tasted like someone had put a Creamsicle through the blender and spent the rest of the afternoon wandering around along the riverbank. I wish I'd thought to bring a blanket to sit on, since the riverbank was covered in goose feces, but we sat on a hard bench and he told me all about his adventure of the past few months. I was sorry to hear about Boromir's death, and interested in the details of Gandalf's turning from grey to white.

We sat for probably two hours. Legolas really has become a better conversationalist since Fiommereth. It didn't sound like he was speaking with exclamation points at all. I think I actually may start to like him.

July 12th

Elrohir hijacked Legolas this morning for something that involved water guns. I think they were planning to use them in the hotel lobby. Naturally, I didn't want to stick around to find out, or witness the process of Legolas' redumbening. So I went to visit Faramir and express my sympathies upon learning the specifics of his brother's death.

I chatted with Faramir for a bit over coffee and came to the conclusion that while he may have been the younger, he was certainly the more responsible of the two. He even had coasters on the coffee table. Then after coffee he told me he was glad that I'd stopped by, since he had something to give me. He went upstairs and came down a minute later with a cardboard box full of dirty magazines, Radiohead CDs, and other random items. It was the box of Boromir's personal belongings, and Faramir had decided to give it to me because Boromir had mentioned my name in an email he'd sent in December and therefore I must have been one of his friends.

I ended up taking the box back to the hotel. I'm not sure what I'll do with the contents. Radiohead CDs I might be able to use, and possibly his Anor College hoodie, but I have no desire to look at magazines full of pictures of mortal women with enormous boobs. And I'm guessing the unmarked video tapes will be more of the same. I'll have to look through it more thoroughly and make some executive decisions on the Material Estate of Boromir Son of Denethor.

July 13th

Of Boromir's belongings, I have decided to keep the following: CDs, hoodie, non-dirty magazines, Darth Vader action figure still in original packaging, blank CDs, Video-8 camcorder, expensive-looking dictionary, travel alarm clock, unopened paint set, atlas of Middle-earth, road maps of Lindon and the Shire.

I will give the following to Elrohir: Sega Genesis system with six games, complete set of X-Men trading cards, X-Men comics, action movie DVDs, oversize novelty beer mug, autographed photo of some movie star, WWF poster, blacklight and blacklight poster of a marijuana leaf, pack of Zig Zags, Belfalas flag.

The dirty magazines and tapes might as well go to Glorfindel, since he's the only one I can think of who would appreciate them (aside from Aragorn, but I don't think Arwen would appreciate him appreciating them).

July 14th

I distributed all of Boromir's things. There were a few small items left in the bottom of the box afterward: a yo-yo, a half-used disposable camera, a hand-held electronic blackjack game with no batteries, a pack of Dentyne Ice and some shoelaces. I gave those to Legolas. Glorfindel leafed through the magazines and decided he didn't want any, so I'm still stuck with those. I note he kept the tapes, though. Elrohir was thrilled with the Sega and hooked it up to the telly in his room straight away. He's been playing Sonic the Hedgehog for the past four hours.

July 15th

Glorfindel brought back six of the eight tapes. Five of those, he informed me, were gay porn. The sixth was Hobbits. He didn't say what the other two were, but if he's keeping them, I'm sure I don't really want to know.

I gave the Hobbit tape to Merry and Pippin, who also gladly took the magazines off my hands. I'm not sure what to do with the other five tapes, though. I mean, I might as well keep them, since Faramir did after all entrust them to me. Not that I'll ever watch them or anything, but I probably should keep them around, if only for sentimental value.

July 16th

We are leaving Minas Tirith on Saturday. It's about time. I've been living in hotels and tents since the beginning of March. That's far too long to be away from an actual bedroom, so I'm quite looking forward to going back home. Not that I'm really sure where home is. I suppose Elrohir will expect us to return to our pathetic filth hole on the west side, though in all honesty I'd much rather go back to living with dad, and I think dad would like that too. Otherwise it would be just him and Erestor in the house now that Arwen's gone, and I don't like to think of those two being left alone together. They'd get up to no good for sure, like lounge-lizard-theme karaoke parties and staff gathering poolside barbeques with Beach Boys music in the background.

Though to be fair, they do that when I am at home too.

July 17th

I asked Elrohir today if he was expecting us to move back to our horrid house. Of course he said yes. Now I'm going to have to find some way out of it without hurting his feelings.

LATER: I was talking with Glorfindel about moving when he said, rather suddenly, "Oh, that reminds me- your house was condemned shortly after you left. Ara and I moved into a condo downtown. Your things are back at your dad's place."

Well I guess that sorts things out easily enough. I would have been angry with Glorfindel for not bothering to tell me sooner had I not been so relieved. Now I just have to tell Elrohir. Or maybe I'll get Glorfindel to tell Elrohir. He's moving to Valinor in a few weeks anyhow and doesn't have to worry about staying on good terms with anyone any more.

July 18th

I took Glorfindel to tell Elrohir about the condemned house. Elrohir's first concern was for the cat. Glorfindel assured him that the cat was safely living in the care of Bilbo Baggins. Then he was concerned about the iguana cage, the Nintendo, and his other important personal belongings. Those had been moved to dad's. Then Elrohir shrugged and said, "Well, alright." He didn't seem to care too much. Maybe the novelty of living away from home has worn off and he's ready to return to a more comfortable lifestyle. I sure hope so, because I don't think I can take any more west side neighbourhoods.

When I got back to my room, dad was waiting to see me. He explained in a very long and roundabout way that, since he was seriously considering moving to Valinor sometime in the near future, I should really look into finishing my degree so that I'm qualified to get a government job and take over for him. I said I'd think about it. He said, "There's nothing to think about, Elladan. You only have one year left and you're going to do it. I've taken the liberty of registering you in the necessary classes at Grey Havens University. You'll be graduating this spring."

Then he handed me an envelope from GHU with my class schedule. Five classes each semester! One of which is at 9-30 every Monday, Wednesday and Friday! Dad obviously knows nothing about making a class schedule. I will have to ring Círdan as soon as I'm back in Rivendell and get this mess sorted out. If I have to go back to university, I'll make my own schedule. I have it down to an art form now. Last year I had classes only on Tuesday and Thursday, and the earliest one started at 11-30. Now that's more like it.

After dad left and was finishing packing up my things to leave tomorrow, Elrohir came and asked me if I was interested in finding a new house with him. I had to pretend to be really disappointed as I informed him that unfortunately I would be leaving for GHU again at the end of August, so there was really no point in trying to find a new house for that short time. He looked a bit crushed. Then he suggested that maybe we could just move into the basement and pretend it was our own house. I told him I'd think about it, then quickly changed the subject. I asked him if the iguana was ready to go. Talking about the iguana never fails. He said yes, he had packed all of the iguana's things (???) and both of them were ready to go. Although, he worried, the iguana might get a bit carsick if it eats too much.

I will have to remember not to sit next to either of them on the drive home. In fact, I might ask Glorfindel if I can go in his car. I'd have to put up with Aralindë in that case, but I'm sure she's no worse than a carsick iguana.


This is a work of fan fiction, written because the author has an abiding love for the works of J R R Tolkien. The characters, settings, places, and languages used in this work are the property of the Tolkien Estate, Tolkien Enterprises, and possibly New Line Cinema, except for certain original characters who belong to the author of the said work. The author will not receive any money or other remuneration for presenting the work on this archive site. The work is the intellectual property of the author, is available solely for the enjoyment of Henneth Annûn Story Archive readers, and may not be copied or redistributed by any means without the explicit written consent of the author.

Story Information

Author: Darth Fingon

Status: General

Completion: Ongoing Serial

Era: Multi-Age

Genre: Humor

Rating: General

Last Updated: 10/04/07

Original Post: 05/07/07

Go to Elladan's Biograph Script overview

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