Stuff 'n Nonsense: 2. You Can't Get a Man with a Blade

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2. You Can't Get a Man with a Blade

(to the tune of "You Can't Get a Man with a Gun"--from Annie Get Your Gun)

Eowyn:
Oh, my mother was frightened by daggers, they say
That's why I've such skill with a sword;
I'd be out in the courtyard shouting 'engarde!' all day,
And now tell me what's my reward?

I'm quick with a parry
whenever necessary,
with a riposte I make the grade,
but my score with a feller
is lower than a cellar,
oh you can't get a man with a blade!

When I wield a cutlass,
I render Nazguls gutless
yes, I quite leave 'em in the shade,
but by guys I am off-kissed,
I always leave 'em off-piste,
oh you can't get a man with a blade!
With a blade, with a blade,
oh you can't get a man with a blade.....

If I went to battle,
you'd hear the orc bones rattle
at the end of our escapade;
But, if I smote the general,
they'd quickly preach my funeral
and you can't bring a royal
to a boil with a foil,
no, you can't get a man with a blade!

I'm cool, brave, and daring
to see an orc-lord glaring
be he ugly as sin home-made...
But a look from a Ranger
will put my heart in danger
oh you can't get a man with a blade!

The gals in the kitchen,
with fellows they are hitchin'
making stew, pie or lemonade
But a gal with close distance
meets only with resistance
oh you can't get a man with a blade!
With a blade, with a blade,
no, you can't get a man with a blade....

He might buy a panty
for ladies who are dainty
he might sing tender serenades....
But men don't buy knickers
for gals who are butt kickers
and you can't make him yield
in the field with a shield
no, you can't get a man with a blade!


This is a work of fan fiction, written because the author has an abiding love for the works of J R R Tolkien. The characters, settings, places, and languages used in this work are the property of the Tolkien Estate, Tolkien Enterprises, and possibly New Line Cinema, except for certain original characters who belong to the author of the said work. The author will not receive any money or other remuneration for presenting the work on this archive site. The work is the intellectual property of the author, is available solely for the enjoyment of Henneth Annûn Story Archive readers, and may not be copied or redistributed by any means without the explicit written consent of the author.

Story Information

Author: Armariel

Status: General

Completion: Ongoing Serial

Era: Multi-Age

Genre: Humor

Rating: General

Last Updated: 09/24/09

Original Post: 09/08/07

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