Stuff 'n Nonsense: 5. The Ballad of Gollum

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5. The Ballad of Gollum

~The Ballad of Gollum~

Gollum was a scrawny bugger
but sneaky as a New York mugger

agile as a spider monkey
this Gollum was a jewelry junkie

twin personalities, Gollum called Stinker
and Smeagol, also known as Slinker

who loved raw fish and birdses crunchable
but considered elf-bread most unlunchable.

For a gold ring, this naughty Smeagol
did throttle his cousin, luckless Deagol;

now, clad in little but a thong
he followed Sam & Frodo long

determined to retrieve his Precious
whose hold on him was sore tenacious

he led the hobbitses into the lair
of a spider the size of a grizzeldy bear

poor Frodo stung and left for dead,
Gollum proceeded then ahead

unaware that Samwise the Brave
his dear master soon would save

nonetheless, Stinker tailed the pair
up the volcano's rocky stair

the Ring from Frodo's hand he nipped
but lost his footing soon and slipped

in boiling lava he was swallowed
his Precious hard upon him followed

Frodo & Sam were picked up by eagles
but no bird would rescue poor Smeagol

Sauron's tower split and cracked
and gave him a monstrous cataract...

Middle Earth was saved, hurray!
Gollum's treachery won the day

Moral: the most nasssty blokes
may save the world and all its folks....


This is a work of fan fiction, written because the author has an abiding love for the works of J R R Tolkien. The characters, settings, places, and languages used in this work are the property of the Tolkien Estate, Tolkien Enterprises, and possibly New Line Cinema, except for certain original characters who belong to the author of the said work. The author will not receive any money or other remuneration for presenting the work on this archive site. The work is the intellectual property of the author, is available solely for the enjoyment of Henneth Annûn Story Archive readers, and may not be copied or redistributed by any means without the explicit written consent of the author.

Story Information

Author: Armariel

Status: General

Completion: Ongoing Serial

Era: Multi-Age

Genre: Humor

Rating: General

Last Updated: 09/24/09

Original Post: 09/08/07

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