Stuff 'n Nonsense: 6. ~WHO'S THE CUTEST?~

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 Truly, this just snuck up on me one day when I was contemplating serious matters...I don't hold myself responsible for it......

                                                  ~WHO'S THE CUTEST?~

[The hobbits bicker hotly over which one of them is the cutest while Gandalf stands aside listening]

Frodo: I'm the cutest! No contest!

Pippin: Now wait a minute, cuz. Look at ME, I have a scottish accent, I'm always doing stupid things and getting into trouble! Everybody thinks that is soooo cute, y'know....

Sam: Well, there's really something to be said for a roly-poly, apple-cheeked, cuddly little chubby teddy bear of a guy, I should say...especially one that can cook and loves growing things and ponies....

Merry: Just a minute! Look at my habit of raiding gardens and snitching fireworks, just like a little bunny rabbit! And dancing on tavern tables and singing convivial songs--you're telling me THAT's not cute? You should have seen me in my suit of armor, riding with the Lady Eowyn...I really think she kinda had a thing for me, I know she did....

Frodo: Well an Elf Lady took ME for a ride! And the whole time she kept whispering in my ear, "Soon as we get you all well and chipper again, I'm gonna eat you up alive, Snooks!" And everybody knows Elf chicks are the smartest, not to mention the hottest...

Pippin: But I can sing too!!! And my armor was cuter than yours, it had a tree on it...and then there's my accent....

Merry: I eat apples!!!

Pippin: I eat mushrooms! Mushrooms are way cuter than apples!! Fairies live under 'em and all.... [to Merry] Here, what are you sniggering at?

Merry:  Fairies...tee hee hee....

Sam:  I'M the one Rosie married! SHE thinks I'm the cutest! So there!!  And I eat apples too!

Frodo: But look at my EYES!!!

Pippin: But look at MY pointy ears!!!

Merry: Uh...we all have pointy ears, Pip.

Pippin: Well...that's true.

Sam: There's just something soooo adorable about a quaint little rustic couple....

Merry: Or about a quaint little rustic ménage à trois? [the other hobbits frown at him] Just kidding!

Frodo: Lady Galadriel was pretty keen on me too...she kept sending me these telepathic messages like "Roses are red, strawberries are too, brown eyes are hot, but I prefer blue"--stuff like that....

[Bilbo hears all the chatter and shuffles into the room]

Bilbo: Now just a minute, boys. What about the undeniable appeal of a white-haired grandfatherly little old hobbit who loves to sit before the fire and smoke a pipe and tell stories of dragons and dwarves and trolls to wide-eyed little children? And that thing I did with my wasn't that the cutest thing you ever saw? Gandalf, what do you think? Which of us do you think is the cu--Gandalf?

[Everyone turns to look and sees that Gandalf has slipped away]

                                                   I am so going to Valinor!!

This is a work of fan fiction, written because the author has an abiding love for the works of J R R Tolkien. The characters, settings, places, and languages used in this work are the property of the Tolkien Estate, Tolkien Enterprises, and possibly New Line Cinema, except for certain original characters who belong to the author of the said work. The author will not receive any money or other remuneration for presenting the work on this archive site. The work is the intellectual property of the author, is available solely for the enjoyment of Henneth Annûn Story Archive readers, and may not be copied or redistributed by any means without the explicit written consent of the author.

Story Information

Author: Armariel

Status: General

Completion: Ongoing Serial

Era: Multi-Age

Genre: Humor

Rating: General

Last Updated: 09/24/09

Original Post: 09/08/07

Go to Stuff 'n Nonsense overview


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