1. Enter the Mary Sue
Look me up in the dictionary. You'll find me under perfection.
This is what Jade would say if you ever asked her her name. Perhaps she would mean it to be a witty reply, though it hadn't answered your question. But once you got to know Jade a little better, you would discover that it was a downright lie.
Jade thought she was prettier than Arwen Evenstar, and in that respect she was right. Her hair was a flawless gold, and seemed to glow from within, like Arwen's famous locks, just with a greater light. Her chest was a little large, but somehow that just made her better looking. Her eyes were an almost toxic green that were extremely hard to look away from. Basically, she was a total doll.
But once you found out she wasn't nearly as pretty in personality, Arwen would suddenly
seem a lot hotter.
Why was this? Simple. Jade was a Mary Sue.
Jade was your typical Sue. Gorgeous (as we have already covered) smart as you can be, totally loveable, and a total pain in the neck. She attended school as top student in her grade, and every other grade, being in grade ten.
Life seemed to be going oh-so-well for oh-so-perfect Jade. Except for in her romantic life. She was on boyfriend number five thousand and eleven, so she was still looking for a nice, solid, male version of herself to settle down with. Preferably with abs.
But then things went a little funny for her. She was walking home one day with her Sue best friends and boyfriends number fifteen and two thousand and eighty nine, (whom were ogling her, of course), when she promptly got her pretty little head smashed in by a truck. Sad, I know, but as she was dead before she could feel any pain, it wasn't all that bad.
But a little while after she arrived at the afterlife, she would have said it was all worth the trouble just for the men.
So it was that on Tuesday, the twenty-first of June, that Jade arrived at the gate of the afterlife belonging to the inhabitants of Middle Earth. To this day nobody knows why on earth she ended up at that particular afterlife, but she did. Perhaps the afterlife for Americans decided she wasn't worth housing, and dumped her at the next possible outlet.
Jade looked up at the gate with a defiant stare, wondering when on earth someone was going to open it for her. She had already been standing there for ten seconds, when back home she could walk through the door without ever having to open it herself. That was half of what men were for.
A face appeared over the top of the gate. A gate guard. Having been informed that a Mary Sue was arriving, the inhabitants of Middle Earth's afterlife felt they could never be too careful.
The guard stared, and Jade stared back. Neither liked what they saw.
Nearing the end of her temper, Jade whipped her hair, and then said the one word she ever had to say to get what she wanted. "Well?"
"Well, what?" the guard was frowning. "See here, Sue. We're not happy about this. About you. So if you want to enter, you have to follow the rules."
Jade's eyes could have popped right out of their sockets. Someone had defied her! The monstrosity! But she would have that guard wrapped around her finger yet. "Look, darling. I'm a busy woman..."
"A busy woman, is it? How old are you? Thirteen?"
Jade's eyes glowed with an oh-so-adorable fury. "...Fifteen..."
"Then I wouldn't exactly call you a woman. Stay quiet, and listen. I've got a list of the rules you'll need to agree too. I'll need your full cooperation and signature. Until I get that, as far as your concerned, you live outside the gate."
Jade moved as close to the gate as she could get without passing through it. She pulled her best pose. "Tell you what. I'll agree to your terms, on one condition."
The guard groaned. Mary Sues picked epic only conditions. They normally centred around the seduction of some man or other. "What?"
"This is Middle Earth afterlife. One look at the place and I knew that. I do, after all, know everything."
The guard snorted.
"If you want me to behave, you'll have to hook me up with dwarves."
The guard hesitated, and an odd look came over his face. "Dwarves?"
"Not run-of-the-mill dwarves who look like they've been run over by a wagon repeatedly. I mean top-notch dwarves. Dwarves who have faces that can turn you on in your sleep."
"Is that all?" The guard asked cynically.
"Oh, no. I want hobbits too. I know most of them are boring, but there have got to be some decent-looking ones out there. Elves, of course. Lots of those. And if you happen to have a cousin or two with abs, call me."
The guard stiffened. "I'm not sure your request would fit with our requirements. You would not be allowed to approach any males except-"
Jade proceeded to lose her temper. But as she was perfect, it was, of course, the perfect time to do so. "What?! How dare you! How could you forbid me from-"
"You are a Mary Sue. We will not have you racing through the afterlife causing havoc and going through men like you do clothes!"
"Hey! I only change my clothes five times a day-"
Jade wanted to cry. She was not used to being crossed like this. At home in America, what she wanted, she got. She was too pretty not to obey! Why were her charms not working?
"You're perfectly free not to sign. But you will stay here until you do." the guard's voice was icy. "Good day."
Jade knew her situation was dire. What was the point of living inside the gate if she couldn't have any fun? Males were there to be used. And they, surely, would all want her, even if the stupid guard did not.
Of course! Jade was the cleverest girl in America - she was the most perfect. (As I'm sure we have mentioned before.) How could the cleverest girl be detained by idiotic and completely unattractive guards? No rules could hold Jade.
She put on a sweet air. "Oh, wait a moment. I suppose you know what you're doing. Where should I sign?"
The guard raised an eyebrow. "Don't you want to hear the rules first?"
No harm knowing what it was she was going to have to deal with... "Of course."
The guard gave her one last sidelong glance and picked up a piece of paper lying next to him. He began to read stiffly. "'By the will of Almighty Iluvator, on the Twenty First of June, regarding Jade, a Mary Sue entering the Middle Earth district: We are aware that rules are necessary for your acceptance to Middle Earth Afterlife, to ensure the safety of our citizens. The following passages make up the rules which you must keep for the rest of eternity, unless any changes are ordered by Almighty Iluvator...Please sign on the dotted line when you have reviewed them.
'#1: During your stay you must never approach a male, of any race or age, except they wish for your company, or for other circumstances approved by Almighty Iluvator.'"
Jade paused. She had thought she wasn't allowed to approach men at all. But, this was no problem! She smiled. She could approach men who wanted her, and what man wouldn't?
"'The penalty for the breaking of this rule will be decided depending on the severity of the offending action.'"
This was a waste of time! Jade knew all she needed to know now. "Cut the talk, sweet cheeks. Hand me a pen."
"I know all I need to know."
"I don't think you do. Not all the rules are about men, you know. They cover attitude towards other women, housing, work -"
Jade groaned. "Just give me the pen."
She couldn't stand being slighted like this. The sooner she got in that gate, the better. Then she could count on a good time tonight instead of a guard's consistent whining. Men and alcohol, that's all she needed.
The guard handed her the sheet, and she signed it quite happily. "There. Now open the gate, darling."
With a sigh, the guard cranked open the gate and watched her slowly enter in. If only she knew what she was up against. She thought she could do whatever she wanted, cause as much chaos as she liked. In America she had been catered to her every whim - but this was no America.
Here in the afterlife, she was playing God?
This is a work of fan fiction, written because the author has an abiding love for the works of J R R Tolkien. The characters, settings, places, and languages used in this work are the property of the Tolkien Estate, Tolkien Enterprises, and possibly New Line Cinema, except for certain original characters who belong to the author of the said work. The author will not receive any money or other remuneration for presenting the work on this archive site. The work is the intellectual property of the author, is available solely for the enjoyment of Henneth Annûn Story Archive readers, and may not be copied or redistributed by any means without the explicit written consent of the author.